Dear Ask the Ax,
I honestly thought Kellyanne Conway was just an urban legend until she moved under my dorm room bed.

When I first saw her down there, my first thought was, "oh God, did the GW Maintenance staff find a corpse under the bed and just cover it in white paint hoping I wouldn't notice?" But then, she started screeching out phrases that, from what I could tell, were just random US city names followed by the word "massacre." I called Fix-it but when they arrived and saw her under the bed, they only offered to replace my heater. I decided that it was less of a hassle for Kellyanne to just stay put.

For the most part, Kellyanne would leave me alone, besides the occasional demonic temper tantrum which I found could easily be soothed by stroking her head and gently reciting the day's Fox News headlines. Lately though, Kellyanne’s been acting out of sorts. She keeps lunging at me with a knife and grabbing at my neck, even though she knows I'm really ticklish.

I’ve already appeased Irene Foster with a blood sacrifice, now I have to deal with Kellyanne?? I was fine when I had to give up watching clips of Morning Joe, and I pushed through when I had to take down my life size cardboard cutout of Anderson Cooper - but her recent behavior has been the last straw. I don't know how to break it to her, or how to go about banishing her. I'm hoping the Ax advice column will have some practical suggestions.

Sincerely, 
Frustrated in Thurston

Dear Frustrated,

We are sorry to hear about your predicament, although we are glad you reached out.

You wouldn't believe how many friends have written in to us about this, so I'm definitely glad you finally voiced the concern that's been on everybody's mind. I’ve seen how Kellyanne works, and after analyzing hours of tape from press conferences and interviews, I’ve concluded that when faced with a clear, logical argument backed by facts, she’ll largely respond the same way - with Kellyanne, communication is key. She’s actually a very talented listener and really does respect the bounds of reason.

If that doesn't work, my second piece of advice would be to get a fresh slab of meat that vaguely resembles Rosie O’Donnell. Once you have the meat slab, hold it carefully by the door of your room. When she comes out to grab it, fling it down the hallway and slam the door behind her. Don't forget to close your eyes, cross your fingers, and scream out the name of every major media outlet you know besides Fox to make sure that she doesn't return.

If all else fails, an absolute last resort is to speak to your RA; they have professional interpersonal conflict training so they're definitely going to be capable of handling this. Good luck!

Regards, 
Ask the Ax