WASHINGTON - Twirling down from the skies above riding via umbrella on the power of imagination, Steven Knapp, departing President at George Washington University, skipped merrily on high as he unveiled the forthcoming and much-anticipated District House dining venues will be opening in a mere gazilliondy-sleven days.

LOS ANGELES - The beloved space alien and former 1980s television star known as ALF has followed through with his declaration he would return to his home planet Melmac in the event of the election of Donald Trump to the presidency.

WASHINGTON - In a steel mill after a crazy few days of adventures, Dean Ben Vinson III of the Columbian College at George Washington University solemnly confessed to feeling emotion for the first time to a young boy and his mother before destroying the last vestiges of future technology in his microchip.

WASHINGTON - The United States Department of the Treasury confirmed earlier this morning that it has, in fact, somehow lost all of the treasure that it was keeping hidden in its vault.

WASHINGTON - The Colonial Health Center was overwhelmed with a large amount of students coming in for visits over the past weekend after the residents of Thurston Hall started launching students infected with the dreaded Thurston Plague over the walls of Mitchell Hall in an act of attrition.

WASHINGTON - Local sophomore and Shenkman Hall resident, Jackie Campbell, is still waiting on George Washington University to send a member of the Housing staff to clean her room.

Wow.

How many times can one use the word perfection? In this modern age of uncertainty, I have often found myself embroiled in the classic debate. Are video games art? We’ve all delighted in the emotional adventure of Gone Home, the simple stylings of Papers, Please, and of course the weighty AAA thrillers of The Last of Us and Spec Ops: The Line. Games that truly leave us with feelings of deep and uncertain anxiety in a darker future, surrounded in the dark uncertainty of an uncaring world. But none of them can even begin to entice the player in the same manner as the Atari 2600 classic, Brain Games.

WASHINGTON — With what may well have been one of the most controversial elections in modern United States history now decided, it is little surprise that contention has now sprung up around the results. Protests, riots, and fights have broken out in many American cities, including the Capital, as people from around the country voice bitter objections to the victory of President-elect, Donald J. Trump.

SEATTLE - In a stunning turn of events, Starbucks has announced a replacement for its special holiday cups this year, deciding to forego the traditional holiday designs that everyone lost their minds over in previous years, instead unveiling a design that is startling to say the least.

WASHINGTON - A local student at The George Washington University, Jeffrey Donahue, has reached the sudden realization that his dorm room freezer was too small to store the body of the man he just killed. Students are beginning to rally around Donahue, claiming that it is unfair that students like him do not have bigger freezers.

WASHINGTON - Junior Theodore Rodchenko is eagerly anticipating the most exciting political event of his lifetime; the November presidential elections.

WASHINGTON - Professor Wayne Fountain, head of the Obscure Cultural References Department at The George Washington University, received a grant renewal for his now decade-long search for Stacy’s Mom.

WASHINGTON - It was a sad day at the Georgetown Hospital when a tear-soaked Paul Ryan made the decision to put his dying political system to rest.

PURCHASE, NY - In a public address from their corporate headquarters in New York earlier this week, PepsiCo have announced that this year’s Dewmocracy competition has been rigged. Citing a “systematic abuse of political power” in which “voters were enticed to vote multiple times for their favorite Dew flavor despite being asked to only vote once,” no new soft drink will be unveiled for the Christmas rush.

SALT LAKE CITY - It was a day of hefty emotion when the Christian messiah descended from on high to the sounds of trumpets. Millions have been anxiously awaiting his return, hoping that their devotion to his teachings will buy them a ticket to paradise. But it seems that the purported Son of God had other plans.

WASHINGTON - World-renowned celebrity and beloved dancer the Six Flags Man was tragically killed early Friday morning after arriving at the Foggy Bottom campus of George Washington University.

WASHINGTON - Just when voters thought they had seen it all, the 2016 United States presidential election took yet another sudden turn. Recent polling data released by The Workers' Commissar for Michael Seung shows the candidate from the American Juche party to be leading the race by an unheard-of 98.5%!

CLEVELAND - The GW Ax has learned some startling news from the executives at Major League Baseball. According to their experts, if the Cubs win this year’s World Series, there will be six more weeks of Winter.

WASHINGTON - Not all that glitters is gold.