MINNEAPOLIS, MN- As the Patriots gear up on the path to beat the Eagles this Sunday, quarterback Tom Brady revealed his secret to victory at a press conference.
"As many of you know, my name is Tom Brady, and I am quarterback for the New England Patriots. This is my eighth Super Bowl and may be my sixth Super Bowl win,” the football player and pretty face said. “I recently won my third NFL Most Valuable Player award, despite allegations of cheating levied against me. I am currently married to a beautiful supermodel who makes even more money than I do. My entire body appears perfect, as if sculpted by God himself to be the ideal man on which all others were based.”
“This past week,” he continued, “I managed to injure my finger in a way which made it easier for me to grip the football. Many people have asked me how I consistently perform so successfully on and off the field. The answer-" here, he pulled out an ornately decorated red box, "is right here!"
Brady opened the box and pulled out what looked like a small coconut with a face drawn on it. "This," Brady explained, "is the shrunken head of Aztec emperor Moctezuma II."
After proudly displaying a set of papers verifying its authenticity, Brady placed the shrunken head back in its box. "This head took me years to find, but it was worth every minute. I first heard of its mystical powers when I was 15, when ancient demon Abezethibou possessed my local priest during my confession.”
“In a gravelly, low voice, he began to speak of an artifact imbued with the power of a thousand alien devils, which could and would bend the world to fit the mind of its owner, granting them wealth, power, happiness, and abs.” Upon questions from reporters, the ancient object began to levitate as locusts burst out from his skin.
Brady went on to explain that he directly attributes his Super Bowl wins, tremendous wealth, and happy marriage to the skull, stating that the shrunken head "telepathically told me of its plans for me."
The football star also mentioned that Pharmaceutical CEO Martin Shkreli attempted to buy the shrunken head from him, but that it is not currently for sale.
When asked for comment, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated, "the NFL does not and cannot condone deals with otherworldly forces. This sort of conduct could end the world and cause the deaths of seven billion people. We are looking into a three-day suspension for Tom Brady, likely to occur during March."
Patriots coach Bill Belichick released a written statement, reading "Tom Brady is and has always been a driving force behind our team, and we look forward to continuing to work with both him and his shrunken head in the future."
Eagles coach Doug Pederson commented that, "though the Eagles are vehemently opposed to any and all dealings with the supernatural, this will not at all alter our plans for how we're going to lose on Sunday."
