Let’s face it, no performer is at the top of his game all the time.

Stagecraft is an art form that would take many lifetimes to master and every actor always has room to improve, that’s why I’ve decided to come clean about the areas I need to improve on in my own work. So, in the spirit of openness, here are the six things that my one-man show is most severely lacking.

1. An Audience: Though I have poured my heart and soul into this project, and personally think that all that effort really shows, performance tickets have been consistently underselling. Often I take the stage in front of an audience of as few as two or three people, but my love of the craft spurs me on. In fact, at my last show the only other person in the theater was a custodian who didn’t have a ride home after his shift, but he clapped really hard at the end, so from outside it probably sounded like four people.

2. Promotional Material of Any Kind: As with all of the great works of the underground theater circuit, news about my show travels only by word of mouth and, fortunately, I talk a lot about it. I’ve never put up a poster or handed out a flyer for one of my performances. This is mostly for budgetary reasons (renting this theater isn’t cheap), but I mean come on, I’m not about to beg for viewership!

3. A Relatable Plot: A small handful of people who have seen the show have told me that it is difficult to relate to on any level. This group has included my parents, friends, strangers, and even that custodian I mentioned before. In light of this constructive criticism I’ve slowly begun to rework the whole production and am ready to admit that scene where I give a twenty-two minute lecture on my autograph collection maybe gets a bit too much into the weeds, but I mean come one, there’s a Babe Ruth AND a Frank Sinatra in there!

4. Any Plot at All: Okay, so maybe there isn’t actually a whole lot in the way of a plotline, but I think the show’s sixteen unconnected vignettes work really well as self-contained ideas. I still don’t have any way to connect the football game scene with the one where I’m trying to learn to paint like one of the Dutch Masters, but really I think these sketches speak for themselves and I don’t need to defend them. Admittedly, all of the transitions might be a little jarring for the audience, but that’s why I lead half-hour meditation session in the middle of the show. Everyone comes out of that feeling good and so do I.

5. Other Actors: It’s a one-man show, so yeah, there are no other actors, but I’ll be the first to admit that they could certainly help.

6. Critical Acclaim: So this is kind of the big thing, no critics have ever positively reviewed the show, or really reviewed it at all. Throughout the eight weekends I’ve been performing my one-man act I’ve never seen Ben Brantly or Margo Jefferson show up even once. This has been a bit discouraging, but I’ve no doubt that one day the spotlight will find me, if I don’t find it first!