Getting into the swing of things at a new school can be hard, and with the 2017-2018 academic year already well underway many freshmen are seeking an edge in expanding and solidifying their circle of friends. There are many ways to do this: joining a student organization (such as this one, we’re taking writers), forming study groups, volunteering, et cetera. But these methods are often considered the “hard way” of making connections as they are done mostly without alcohol, a social lubricant known to provide many a shy freshman with a reliable in-road into almost any group. A first-semester student who can get their hands on booze of any brand or quality, however low, is instantly in the running to build up their very own “squad” of peers and acquaintances. To do this though, an ID is traditionally required, and by the end of this article, our readers will know how to get one.
To begin, the Ax would like to remind its readers that it invariably looks down its long crooked nose at underage drinking and scoff haughtily at the prospect. With that in mind please go through the following steps with an appropriate level of shame and sheepishness:

1. Know the law! Making or possessing a fake ID is illegal in the United States, check your local legislation to find out how much trouble you’ll get in for having one.

2. Put $45 in non-sequential bills into a standard business envelope (no change accepted)

3. Decide how you want your name, date of birth, height, gender, eye color, address, and signature to appear on your ID. To avoid confusion it’s probably best to have these reflect your actual personal information

4. Have a friend or family member take a high-quality photograph of you against a blank background, or a really cool background if you’re feeling fun, then print the picture out or put in on a flashdrive.

5. Take everything from steps three and four and put them into the envelope with the money, but take care not to crush the bills.

6. Using standard US postage, and preferably a collectible stamp, mail the envelope and its contents to the Card Family at 174 Meggansett Lane, Kasper Nebraska.

7. Wait until your 21st birthday, then go into your local Department of Motor Vehicles office, present them with proof of your identity and sit for a new picture.

8. Voilà! You may now enjoy the rights and privileges that come with your new ID!