WASHINGTON - The much-anticipated new Dean of Student Affairs has finally been selected: former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer.

University President Thomas LeBlanc released a statement yesterday explaining that he thought Spicer had all the “strength of character and strong moral values we’ve come to expect from our Dean of Student Affairs,” going on to say that he thinks “Sean Spicer will be the wad of gum holding our administration together.”

President LeBlanc reportedly found Mr. Spicer working in the local Red Cross Dunkin Donuts on February 20, the day after Spicer evidently caused a GW Alert during a shootout with federal police. “I only recognized him from his movie, Spy,” said LeBlanc, “but after some discussion on the nature of the Double Dunkaccino, I realized he was the right man for the job.”

Spicer confirmed the decision in a recent interview with the Hatchet, stating that he is “excited to see what he can do for Georgetown University.” He later defended his claim by stating that he wanted to “help make George Washington the next Georgetown.”

When reporters from the Rival attempted to ask him what he meant by this, Spicer evidently dove into some bushes.

Special adviser to the student experience and former Vice Provost and Dean of Student Affairs Peter Konwerski announced his departure at the end of last year, as students publicly rejoiced.

Third-year undergraduate student Dennis Bishop told the Ax, “I remember December 2nd like it was yesterday. It’s impossible to understand in the post-Peter K era we live in now, but Peter K was a giant- sort of like Ajit Pai, or maybe Chad Kroeger.”

According to Konwerski, he took the inauguration of President LeBlanc as an “opportunity to sort of look at some new things” and stated that he has “already been offered a ground-level position at a local Dunkin Donuts.”

In the aforementioned Hatchet interview, Spicer wished Konwerski well in all his future endeavors and stated that, though he has never met Konwerski, he has met Donald Trump Jr. and “basically gets the gist”.

Spicer also took time to clarify that President LeBlanc’s recent inauguration ceremony was attended by more than 31,000 GW students, the largest attendance of any GW Presidential Inauguration; he finished the interview by suggesting new CHC guidelines regarding chewing gum, stating that the CARE network might “use chewing gum to improve students’ mental health” and that GW’s Regulatory Affairs programs ought to “consider its use as an alternative to drugs.”

Spicer has already caused controversy on social media after favorably comparing President LeBlanc to Russian President Vladimir Putin and stating that Cloyd Heck Marvin “made important contributions to race relations at GW” by pushing against integration of the school.

GW Democrats have stated that they will not be protesting the upcoming decision due to “true, deep, everlasting pity,” while GW Hillel could not comment because they are “currently busy making placards.”