WASHINGTON — Two weeks into his first internship on capitol hill, GW Sophomore and future mid-level insurance salesman Dennis Hoffman says that his position as a glorified office waterboy feels “just like House of Cards.”


While admitting that he might not be at the level of Frank Underwood quite yet, Dennis, whose duties include answering vitriolic phone calls from constituents and occasionally going on coffee-runs for his fellow interns, says that he “sees [himself] as more of a Doug Stamper figure,” referencing Underwood’s amoral chief of staff whose duties include covering up homicides and blackmailing political opponents.

Dennis also speaks highly of his boss, a four-term congresswoman from southern Minnesota who Dennis sees as a behind-the-scenes power-broker, and whose main accomplishments include voting
the party line on every piece of legislation for the past twenty-two years and co-sponsoring a bill calling for increased infrastructure spending in 2003.

Saying that the experience has really “opened his eyes to true meaning of power,” Dennis, whose future accomplishments in life will include making $5,000 off of a lucky investment and dying of cirrhosis at the age of 64, says that he sees himself possibly sitting in the Speaker’s Chair or holding a cabinet-level position in the White House one day.

“So many people in life are content to be pawns but I don’t want that. I was born to be a rook,” Dennis, whose only knowledge of chess comes from watching part of the movie Pawn Sacrifice on an airplane a couple of years ago, explained.

“I don’t know for sure where I’m going to wind up in life,” he continued, gazing contemplatively in the direction of the Washington Monument, “but I do know this: one day, people will know the name Dennis Hoffman,” he says to himself, blissfully unaware of the unadulterated mediocrity that will come to define the next forty-five years of his life.