WASHINGTON — New reports show that every single joke, witty observation or snarky remark ever made by freshman Michael Cohen is pulled verbatim from a sketch from the British comedy show “Monty Python’s Flying Circus.”

“Ever since I was a wee lad, I’ve always gotten a nice laugh when it came to occasional nudge-and-wink or the spare dead parrot,” said Cohen, who has never had a girlfriend or known true love. “I don’t mind that the pythons are all old enough to cease to be any day now, their bits are too clever not to use.”

The few people who chose to associate with Cohen explained their bemusement to their friend’s reliance on references to a program no one of them have seen. “When Mike first started going on about parrots and lumberjacks and crunchy frogs, I thought he was doing PCP or something like that,” explained roommate Brian Norris. “Eventually you get used to it, but Mike never seems to reference anything else. I told him he should watch ‘Rick and Morty’ but all he did was make a very silly high-pitched whine.”

Cohen says he does not want to be defined by his total unoriginality in his humor. “Personally I think my finest attributes aren’t humor, it’s my capacities for--Fear! Surprise! Ruthless Efficiency! And an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope” said Cohen, a sad, broken boy.

When asked why he doesn’t consider utilizing original jokes or witty remarks of his own, he responded saying, “well, where’s the pleasure in that?” and then left the office doing a silly walk, further disappointing his mother.