WASHINGTON - It was a momentous day to be a colonial as the students of the nation’s fifty second best research institution lined the streets to cheer on marching armies on their way to the school’s newest satellite campus.

Who among us can forget the glorious annexation of the Mount Vernon College? Or perhaps the blustery winds that chilled the halls of Corcoran on the day of its inevitable fall? The glorious colonial army of George Washington Unviersity has had a long and storied history of property acquisition and agriculture, something that Professor Ingrid Bellderphlat says has been a defining characteristic since the university’s inception.

“Oh, yes,” began Ingrid, perched atop a large wooden watch tower overlooking fields of rich Potomac sugarcane. “See, in the beginning these were all different schools- Colombian, Elliot. Eventually the colonials would see something they wanted and begin the annexation process. Sometimes it was faculty, sometimes sugarcane. Usually just raw land.”

The transformation of the Georgetown area has been drastic. The tracts of land which once sold for millions of dollars have been replaced with sugar cane farms and irrigation patties. Not a single Vineyard Vines remains open in the expansive fields. Truly, the neighborhood has become a testament to GW’s exceptional place in the college university space.

Georgetown University recruiter Adrian Haber does not share this excitement, however.

“I’ll come out and say it,” he began, sweat streaming down his back as he ground sugar cane into fresh molasses for his new overlords. “This is gonna be a right bitch to sell to undergrads come September.”

Throughout the hallowed halls of the George Washington University, the cheers of victory will surely bellow into next week. But for those stuck at our newest colonial outpost, Georgetown? We’ll let Mr. Haber have the closing word.

“At least we’re not Mount Vernon.”