Though GW’s student government election is, by most normal metrics, not considered to be indicative of the health of republican government in the rest of the country, the assembled panel claim it casts a longer shadow than previously believed.
“We weren’t even looking at the fact that the election had to be postponed for an investigation, or that a candidate was disqualified, or even that no one person seemed to be able to name all the candidates,” Owen Cardelon, a former Ohio state prosecutor and business ethics advisor, told reporters at the conference, “What really disturbed us was the fact that ever evolving story of petty politicking proved more important to most than the outcome of the election itself.”
Mr. Cardelon went on to add that, while he and his team were perturbed by what they deemed to be, “a gross apathy for genuine politics among the members of the generation which will soon be leading our country” he did personally enjoy being able to watch some “sick college drama” unfold in front of him for the first time in nearly five decades.
Columbia law professor and panelist Linda McCaithin announced at the end of the press conference that the full findings would likely be made available within the next few days, adding that, “all the juicy stuff will be over by then, so we understand if you don’t want to read them.”
Unable to wait for the publication of the panel’s investigation in the university’s annual democratic process, the editorial board of the GW Ax convened their own inquiry, arriving 25 minutes later at the separate conclusion, that this year’s SA election was, “a memorable satire unto itself”.