WASHINGTON―Vice President Joseph Biden was rushed to Inova Fairfax Hospital yesterday evening following a struggle with a Chinese finger trap which is reported to have lasted for nearly four hours and thirty minutes.

The GW Ax’s White House sources confirm that the incident began around two o’clock in the afternoon when the Vice President returned from a luncheon and started showing off the contents of the goodie-bag he had been given upon leaving. This small cache of novelty items included the seemingly innocuous paper tube, along with a plastic top and four rolls of Smarties.

Several members of Mr. Biden’s staff have asserted that the Vice President came out of his office to dole out a few of the Smarties and show-off the strength of the finger trap. A few members of this group have gone so far as to quote him as having said, “whooee, I cannot get this thing off,” in reference to the children’s toy in which he was by then already ensnared. One claims that he bore a pained expression.

Mr. Biden is then reported to have retreated into his office for several hours, as is reported to be his habit. It was around six-thirty when an aide, whose name has yet to be released, entered the room to find the seventy-three year old Vice President immobilized on the floor. At this point that the alarm was raised and the President of the Senate was helicoptered to Inova Fairfax Hospital where doctors were able to remove the finger trap and free his hands. He is reported to be in stable condition.

When asked by an agent of the Associated Press why he did not seek help before the situation escalated to the level that it did, Mr. Biden is reported to have blushed and said sheepishly, “well, I didn’t want to cause a fuss.”

At press time it was reported that the Vice President was already preparing to return to work and rumors were circulating that Chinese President Xi Jinping was preparing an apology for his country’s role in the incident.