Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, international drug trafficking boss and one of the most powerful criminal leaders in the world, was sentenced yesterday to serve four years on the Mount Vernon Campus for his extensive charges of money laundering, fraud, conspiracy, and murder.

The Department of Justice commented positively on the sentence. “Justice has been served to one of the most heinous crime-lords in modern history,” announced U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch. “I can think of no greater retributions for the men and women whose lives El Chapo destroyed then to know he’ll be trapped on a rush hour Vex for hours on end.”

“The Vern,” as the Mount Vernon Campus is known in criminal circles, has built a reputation for itself as an particularly imposing and isolated incarceration facility used to hold major criminals since GW purchased the property in 1998.

El Chapo will be incorporated into the “Criminals and Values” program, a special GW living-learning community where the felon will live alongside GW students who through misfortune, chance or insanity reside on the Mount Vernon facility.

“An internationally wanted cocaine smuggler will feel perfectly at home on the Vern,” said freshman Noah Rothstein. “In C&V especially we’re like a family, if half of your family is composed of criminals and the other half of awkward college freshman. We complement one another nicely!” Rothstein was then forced to cut our interview short as his roommate, former Bostonian gangster James J. “Whitey” Bulger, had yet again forgotten his GWorld card.

Not all observers were pleased with the outcome of the El Chapo decision. Human Rights Watch spokeswoman Liz Barrow denounced the sentence as too harsh even for a major drug lord.

“I have read eyewitness accounts of the crippling isolation found the Vern, the pitiful excuse for food that Mt. Vernon inmates are compelled to consume at their Pelham Commons and their Zime “café,” which isn’t even open on weekends,” explained Barrow. “Couple those dehumanizing conditions with the great physical obstacle of the Vern hill needed to obtain nourishment, every day for four years, and what adds up is draconian conditions not fit even for drug smugglers.”

Sean Penn, whose journalistic work for Rolling Stone magazine was considered influential to both the eventual capturing of El Chapo and his sentence, could not be reached for comment as he had succumbed to crippling traveler’s flatulence.