OAK BROOK, IL — Years after the release of the condemning documentary, “Supersize Me,” McDonald’s has released the new anti-health documentary, “I’m Still Loving It.”

You might ask yourself, “What arguments could McDonald’s possibly make about the value of their products?” Or, “I know McDonald’s isn’t healthy, there’s nothing they can say that can change my mind.” Well, if that Bourgeoisie thought raced through your mind, the documentary is directed at you.

McDonald’s knows the food it serves will clog your arteries up faster than super-glue, and so it has taken a new marketing approach. McDonald’s and other absurdly high-in-everything food products are a first-world privilege. We have the honor to slowly, oh so slowly, lead the world in lard intake, and as Americans, we should embrace this. Who cares if you have four heart attacks? With the health care in this country, four open-heart surgeries is a breeze, a walk in the park—Thank you Obamacare.

If you’re not convinced, take a look at the food pyramid. People in under-developed parts of the world are restricted to the bottom tiers. If they’re lucky, they can slowly climb—still always with their feet dangling in the nutritional ooze. In America, we have the good fortune of being able to solely under the Golden Arches, if we so choose, an establishment firmly mounted on the top of the pyramid. We belong at the peak, we have earned the right to sit upon a throne built for king of some considerable girth.

Life is hard. Even for the powerful, life can kick you in the nuts from time to time. But that doesn’t mean you have to eat anything even related to a nut. Don’t eat like you are afraid of death, embrace it. Eat like the Super-Power you are, you’ve earned it.