WASHINGTON ― A study recently published by the George Washington University Department of Statistics has been ruffling a few feathers lately and has sparked what could be referred to as a “healthy workplace rivalry” between a number of the university’s departments. According to the study, statistics has been identified as being, on average, the best college major.

This may come as a bit of a shock, as it did to many members of the GW faculty, administration, and student-body, but as Professor of statistics Clayton Deloune has said, “the numbers don’t lie.”
The impacts of this finding are already being felt in dorm rooms across campus as students who have yet to declare their majors now have something new to consider while lying awake in a cold sweat. Indeed, some in the GW Statistics department even worry about how to handle what they project to be a sudden influx of students to their department.

As much of a triumph as this is for the statistics department itself and indeed, statistics departments everywhere, the study and its methods are not without their detractors. Chief among these is George Washington University Physics Department chair, Joseph Alanatian, who has accused the researchers of nepotism and having what he describes as, “like, the biggest egos on campus”.

“Who would be carrying-out such a study? A neutral panel of educators? No! A bunch of self-serving statisticians!” an exasperated Alanatian told reporters from the GW Ax on Monday during office hours, “have you seen their variables? Sure they’ve got ‘working conditions’ and ‘average pay’ in there, but they also have ‘level of importance’ and ‘swag’! Swag isn’t quantifiable!”
Alanatian and several of his colleges have since announced that, should the present trajectory continue, physics is set to be the best college major by 2018, just in time for those last-minute undeclared students.

Shortly after the Physics Department’s announcement, the George Washington University History Department proclaimed its own findings that, historically speaking, a major in history is really the best course of action. The department claims that this assertion is backed-up by a number of sources from across time and place, though a bibliography is still forthcoming.

At presstime the GW History Department was facing claims of plagiarism for its recent findings regarding college majors from both the University of Nevada and SUNY Purchase. In addition the George Washington University Department of Philosophy had announce that, in theory, philosophy is in fact a superior major, and it seemed several other departments were preparing to announce their own preeminence through similarly tasteless plays on words.