Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, international drug trafficking boss and one of the most powerful criminal leaders in the world, was sentenced yesterday to serve four years on the Mount Vernon Campus for his extensive charges of money laundering, fraud, conspiracy, and murder.

WASHINGTON - The Spring Student Organization Fair was quickly brought to a halt this past week by authorities after receiving a tip warning of too many rabbis in the vicinity.

WASHINGTON — As winter gently graces the Washington metropolitan area, the George Washington University’s local branch of Students for Scientology are hosting their annual rewatching of the Western classic, Top Gun.

WASHINGTON — Sources within the George Washington University School of Economics, as well as the GWAx’s anonymous correspondent within the GW Greek Life community, have confirmed troubling times for the campus’ dozens of student run organizations. Years of economic neglect, overspending, and over reliance on foreign financial sectors have plunged the DC campus’ fraternities and sororities into nearly 330 billion Euros of debt.

WASHINGTON ― A study recently published by the George Washington University Department of Statistics has been ruffling a few feathers lately and has sparked what could be referred to as a “healthy workplace rivalry” between a number of the university’s departments. According to the study, statistics has been identified as being, on average, the best college major.

WASHINGTON - With the light touch of a warm and loving mother, the United States Coast Guard carefully nudged an adult sperm whale out of the Potomac River and all the way back to the Atlantic. This heart-warming and tender incident played out over the course of 27 grueling, but truly magical, hours beginning Monday and carrying on into the wee hours of Tuesday morning.

WASHINGTON―Vice President Joseph Biden was rushed to Inova Fairfax Hospital yesterday evening following a struggle with a Chinese finger trap which is reported to have lasted for nearly four hours and thirty minutes.

WASHINGTON — An apparent misconception caused a local man to face imprisonment and terrorism charges this week. Twenty-two year old Andrew Weber was arrested by police after allegedly attempting to join ISIS. Weber had reportedly been communicating with a known recruiter for the Middle Eastern terror organization.

Every time you return home, there are a few regularities. For one, your parents are glad to have you back. You’re going to eat substantially more food, siblings become more tolerable. In general, trips home become more pleasant.

OAK BROOK, IL — Years after the release of the condemning documentary, “Supersize Me,” McDonald’s has released the new anti-health documentary, “I’m Still Loving It.”

Hello there. I’m the voice of reason. And yes, everything that seems absolutely reasonable to you I agree with. For the sake of keeping as large of an audience as possible, I’m not going to give any examples. If you think it’s reasonable, so do I. Are we comfortable with each other now? Good.