BOSTON - Head executives at the Au Bon Pain corporate offices announced this week a bold new initiative to include free helpings of pain with any of its salads or sandwiches.

“Just, punch the customer, clean in the face,” explained Greg Washington, the head of Public Relations for the company. “They know what they were getting into.”

“It’s on the sign.”

Stores nationwide have begun cold-clocking their unassuming customers seemingly apropos of nothing, leading to a bevy of injuries across the country.

“I just wanted my nice tuna salad sandwich I get every time I come in [to Au Bon Pain],” explained Washington, DC-area businessman Leonard Fitzsimmons. “But after he cut the sandwich in half, he stepped out from behind the counter and just nailed me with an uppercut right in the face.”

Customers, after being injured, quickly move to the fountain drink to load up on an ice pack to nurse their wounds.

“At least I still get the free baguette,” Fitzsimmons explained, before disappointingly turning to realize they were all out of the regular French-style bread, instead only having pumpernickel or something similarly disgusting. “Oh. Or not.”