WASHINGTON - Were you worried that Action Bronson was going to offend you at this coming Spring Fling? Fret no longer, you sensitive souls, Ben Shapiro and the PC Police are coming to calm the situation!

Administrators at George Washington University agreed that events in Mr. Bronson’s past were shady, and those are viable cause for his sudden dismissal. Meanwhile, Ben Shapiro and the PC Police, soon to burst onto campus, stand for far more commendable principles - not even hidden beneath the cover of a catchy tune.

Because you’re right, Young Americans. Action Bronson is offensive, but banning abortions, hating gay marriage, or hating immigrants isn’t. Oh, and basically any kind of hate speech against minorities or the poor are all totally cool, too. We, at the Ax, are certainly glad we have our priorities in check.

So the question now is, should you still go to Spring Fling? Of course you should! It will have all the university’s usual administrator-approved fun!

This includes: throwing pies at anyone who isn’t white, watching the disadvantaged fight each other, erecting a statue of Ronald Reagan, free copies of the Bible, a showing of The Big Short inside of Shenkman Hall, and a special opportunity for President Knapp to slap you and then take all of your money as you thank him and walk away with a piece of paper. It’s going to be huge.

In summary, thank god Action Bronson has been removed from Spring Fling, we were going to be super offended. Now we can just sit back and listen to all the music that everyone secretly listens to, just in private. Because you’re right, you’re not a hypocrite if you only listen to misogynistic music in private. Who doesn’t love all music and therein endorse absolutely everything it has ever stood for?