The United States government announced on Monday that one of its most-treasured monuments was, in fact, a long-gestating facade for an experimental NASA mission to the Martian moon Phobos.
Residents of Foggy Bottom awoke one morning expecting a normal day, when they were greeted by the sight of the Washington Monument finally reaching its full potential, blasting off, a pillar of smoke billowing out around the circular grounds beneath it. These citizens watched as the great monument ascended into the sky, and it wasn’t long before the questions, accusations, conspiracy theories started flying.
Tourists were understandably irate when instead of getting that one annoying picture at the Washington Monument that everyone gets, they were treated to a sight of scorched grass and the smell of smoke. Most were just confused, adorably wondering whether they had taken a wrong turn somewhere.
It is now apparent NASA has been in development of this stunt for several decades, dating back to the original Kennedy statement that we would go to the moon.
We spoke with senior NASA members, who revealed Kennedy had commissioned the repurposing of the monument as an amazing and wonderful rocketship back in 1962. Engineers have been working on the thing for each year since, hampered by the struggle to keep the rocket parts a secret from curious tourists who feel the need to visit the top for some reason, as though they would see anything else than the frankly rather unimpressive DC skyline..
Funding was yet another issue, the major setback hampering the rocket’s launch for all these years. The original plan was to launch within ten years, but after Kennedy’s death, his successors each put the project on the back-burner, until Presidern Obama decided he wanted to go out with a bang in 2016.
The mission of the vessel (the USS Democracy, as it is now named) is to do some reconnaissance around Phobos because, “somebody’s gotta figure out what the deal is with Phobo for some reason.”
The USS Democracy is expected to reach the martian moon within the year, when we shall uncover what all the hype is about. Until then, take comfort in the knowledge that you’ve lived to see one of the most amazing and ridiculous things we’ve ever seen, and also see that same thing get shot into outer space.
