WASHINGTON— After confirming this morning that he can still hit a lay-up, George Washington University Provost Forrest Maltzman announced that he would be stepping away from his current position to fill the newly vacated post of Colonials Basketball Coach.

Since former Coach Mike Lonergan was fired on September 16th in connection to claims of verbal and emotional abuse to players, university administration has been clamoring to find a replacement to oversee training and, if need be, the season itself. With the days ticking by and no solution in sight, Provost Forrest Maltzman took matters into his own hands, putting aside his prestigious desk job to get “back in the field” and take up the team’s reigns.

“I feel like this is an opportunity for me to do everything I never could with my fantasy team,” Maltzman told reporters after coming forward with the announcement. “Um… also I’m really honored to be able to help the team in its hour of need.”

While making sure to distance himself from Coach Lonergan’s less than pleasant excesses, Maltzman got straight to work, giving the team’s training regimen a complete overhaul and instituting a strict “no sissies” policy.

Though promising to provide support for those who claim to have been hurt by his predecessor, the Provost-turned-Sports-Coach did promise to personally, “peel the ass of anyone who does put in a good hustle.” Wasting no time in implementing his procedures, the new face of Colonials basketball told his team that they would be expected to “hit the gym” immediately upon his press conference’s conclusion.

Maltzman’s announcement was met with mixed reactions from the head coaches of other Atlantic 10 teams. It remains to be seen whether either the provost’s “go get ‘em” attitude or totally sick lay-up would win them over.