Millennials are undoubtedly the worst generation of all time. They’re a bunch of radical socialists who just sit around on their phones all day and do drugs. Back in my day we knew how to work for money, and I spent my whole life earning every cent I received. These millennials are just lazy workers who are ruining this grand American economy. But worst of all, millennials keep on beating me up when I walk home.

Millennials are refusing to get credit cards after the mortgage crisis, and it’s severely damaging the loan market. How do they expect to purchase homes and cars when they aren’t developing any credit score? But more importantly, I have a massive bruise on my glabella from the last time a millennial assaulted me. It doesn’t matter where I’m coming from; my neighbor Jeff’s house, the supermarket, my part time job at the local golf club, whenever I turn onto my street I can feel their eyes on me. Then, the menacing snapping in unison starts. I used to try to run but I’ve given up. They come from everywhere; out of the woods, out of Jeff’s mailbox, out of my garbage can, they’re impossible to escape! I live in constant fear.

Cable TV is being absolutely destroyed by the millennial generation. They think that they can just skirt around paying the outrageous fees we all pay for TV by using services like “Netflix” and “Hulu”. Well, they can’t. They have to stick with the status quo, stop trying to push for “progress,” and stop stomping me into the curb when I return from my afternoon yoga class. Their ringleader always remains in the shadows; I’ve never seen his face. All I know is his menacing chuckle. That laugh haunts my every living moment, dear god, somebody release me from this hell. I can’t leave my house without seeing them out of the corner of my eye, watching me, studying me.

I don’t know how much longer I have before something drastic happens. These very well may be my last moments here, and so it is my duty to impart my wisdom unto the world: millennials are ruining the workforce by being too lazy to find jobs for themselves. If they just went out and worked for once like us baby boomers had to, the economy wouldn’t be in such dire straights. Now, excuse me while I go invest all of my money into cable TV, the way God intended television to be watched.