WASHINGTON - Tired of all his usual garbage, we whisked away our Junior Reporter J.P. Fremantle to the landmark campaign of Donald J. Trump, where he almost immediately assumed a top office.

Near-instantly after entering the campaign offices, he found himself speaking as an official surrogate and defending whatever outlandish statements had reared its head. Impressed with his abilities, the candidate quickly fired his latest campaign manager and hired Fremantle to manage his trek to becoming the most powerful man in the free world.

“Uh, I, well, er,” Fremantle began to explain. “I, just, y’know, well, really, huh, dunno?”

“He’s great for me!” explained the billionaire businessman. “He has the best strategy - the best, believe me! Everybody’s saying how great he is. Believe me!”

Mr. Trump’s polling has steadily improved since this announcement, as the Ax has begun siphoning money from the campaign towards its long-gestating trip to the moon.