WASHINGTON - The community at George Washington University was rocked early this morning with news of what experts are calling “the Caper of the Century.” An investigation is ongoing into this disturbing crime, but GW Police at present believe that at some point in the late hours of the night an unknown assailant crept into the office of University President Steven Knapp and made off with the entirety of his precious Hess truck collection.

WASHINGTON—In a stunning turn of events this week, the nation as a collective entity was shocked to learn that the limestone testament to our nation’s first president we all know and love is not as it seems.

WASHINGTON - Sources close to French exchange student Pierre Blanc report that he is no longer even pretending to tolerate “mom, guns, and apple pie,” those very things everyone in the United States hold so dearly.

WASHINGTON - Theologians and Political Scientists alike joined hands in shock and awe this past week as the George Washington University reported it had gone three days, nearly half of a week, without a major controversy rattling the the student body at large.

WASHINGTON - While investigating a lead in a possible cookie crisps-based news story, a local reporter for the GW Ax quickly rushed back to the newsroom almost out of breath with some startling news: deep in the fields of the greater Washington area, the George Washington University’s baseball team continues to exist.

WASHINGTON—Former Florida Governor Jeb Bush had a promising start in this election cycle, but his inevitable crushing defeat kind of put a damper on things, especially for the candidate himself. The internet has long been speculating on what Gov. Bush has been doing with his time lately, but fear not - the Ax has found the answers for you!

BOSTON - Head executives at the Au Bon Pain corporate offices announced this week a bold new initiative to include free helpings of pain with any of its salads or sandwiches.

WASHINGTON - Following a tumultuous week of struggle, early reports are now indicating that an estimated 5,000 of George Washington University’s students’ hopes and dreams have been killed as registration has concluded.

WASHINGTON - In a valiant effort to fight against the oppression of millions worldwide, local student at George Washington University Ann Webster placed an Amnesty International sticker that she got at Colonial Inauguration on her 13-inch MacBook Air.

WASHINGTON - President Obama made an unprecedented move earlier this week as he rescinded his nomination for Merrick Garland as the ninth member of the Supreme Court, instead opting for the even more unprecedented ghost of former President Ronald Reagan.

WASHINGTON - Citing a desire to not wake up to an inbox of angry death threats, the commendable young publishers at the Ax have decided that they’re not even going to bother touching this whole Spring Fling thing.

WASHINGTON — The United States Capitol Building was on lock down earlier today after a stallion was spooked when passing through the vaulted rotunda.