I don’t ever remember having a specific moment in my youth when I discovered my sexuality. In some way I just always knew what was right for me. Their long slender lines, beautifully round curves, and majestic imposing stature were just something I've always needed. Government buildings are the sexiest thing on planet earth. I don’t care whether they’re marble, concrete, steel, or some other material; they’re all beautiful to me. Life being sexually attracted to government buildings is wonderful except for one major problem: no matter how much I want to have sex with them, I cannot figure out how to get consent.

WASHINGTON - As George Washington University students excitedly discussed the outcome of the Presidential debate this past Monday, controversy has erupted on campus. Witnesses in a World History discussion section on Tuesday have now come to light with stories of junior Austin Hooper asking if “people had caught the game last night,” apparently referring to a Monday Night Football game apparently on television the preceding evening.

WASHINGTON - After dramatically losing business from the brand new Marvin Center Waffle House, Lincoln Waffle shop proprietor Martin Lee has vowed revenge upon the new establishment.

Millennials are undoubtedly the worst generation of all time. They’re a bunch of radical socialists who just sit around on their phones all day and do drugs. Back in my day we knew how to work for money, and I spent my whole life earning every cent I received. These millennials are just lazy workers who are ruining this grand American economy. But worst of all, millennials keep on beating me up when I walk home.

WASHINGTON - Rolling their eyes and averting their gazes, sources confirmed Tuesday that a complete numbskull student was using a physical map to navigate the George Washington University’s Foggy Bottom campus.

WASHINGTON –– September 18 was a day like any other for student security guard Malcolm Herin. After attending his daily regimen of classes, he traveled to Thurston Hall where he would man the security desk for the next two hours.

The GW administration has stood idly by for too long. They simply must address the elephant in the room; the university willed the host of ABC’s Match Game into being, and as a community, we must atone for our sins.

WASHINGTON— After confirming this morning that he can still hit a lay-up, George Washington University Provost Forrest Maltzman announced that he would be stepping away from his current position to fill the newly vacated post of Colonials Basketball Coach.

DALLAS - In a shocking press conference Friday, Republican Texas Senator Ted Cruz revealed he was in actuality two small children standing on one another’s shoulders with a small, mischievous hyena cackling alongside them.

WASHINGTON - Ever thought that old people weren’t cool? Did you ever complain that your parents just didn’t understand you? If you answered “yes,” this rebel mom’s actions are about to blow your mind! When confronted with her son George finally leaving for college, local mom Shanice Lee had a spark of genius- she decided to go to school with her son! She is so awesome.

WASHINGTON – A group of students at George Washington University gathered outside the Marvin Center this week, expressing their grief over the loss of the J-Street Cafeteria.

WASHINGTON - In an interview with an Ax reporter, Freshman student Ashley Samsa expressed how excited she was to have the chance to meet many unimportant, powerless individuals who contribute very little to the nation as a whole.

WASHINGTON - Tired of all his usual garbage, we whisked away our Junior Reporter J.P. Fremantle to the landmark campaign of Donald J. Trump, where he almost immediately assumed a top office.

WASHINGTON - Speaking at a press conference this morning, James McGuff, a spokesperson for GW Dining Services, solemnly announced that there would be a “change of pace,” in terms of the campus dining options offered at the Marvin Center. Citing calls to cater to an over-all sketchier audience, McGuff unveiled plans to replace the old J Street dining facilities with a new and only slightly dilapidated Waffle House.

WASHINGTON – Visitors to the National Gallery this Thursday may have been perturbed by the presence of Nelson Aldrich, a junior and art history minor at GW.

WASHINGTON — News broke this morning of a surprising development in the ongoing dilemma surrounding the District House trash chute. The chute, which has remained continuously clogged since the opening of the new building several weeks ago, has been a source of some consternation for both students and facilities personnel. After weeks of wondering how this state of affairs arose and how long it will continue, the building's residents have finally been given an answer.