WASHINGTON - Americans everywhere may sleep soundly tonight, knowing that they will wake on the morning of December 25 in a sense of total bliss, having collectively remembered the collapse of the Soviet Union on that day in 1991.

WASHINGTON--Senior Rachel Cheever has expressed serious disappointment in her realization that in her four years at GW, she never got the chance to party with the Obama girls.

WASHINGTON. — A George Washington University psychology professor called for the attention of his students in a Tuesday morning email this week to issue a brief reminder.

WASHINGTON- A local GW student was disheartened this morning to learn that the busker, someone who plays music for money, outside of the Metro station had yet to learn anymore songs.

WASHINGTON — Passersby were stunned this week as they walked down the National Mall and discovered the newly completed Museum of African American History Museum and Culture had disappeared.

WASHINGTON - As a heads up, it looks like Chuck bought you a gift this year. For some reason.

No one is completely sure exactly why the small wrapped box was placed in the kitchen table of your dorm early this morning, especially given preliminary reports that the two of you haven’t talked in a month. Chief Psychologists report that it may have been a token of forgiveness after you spilled coffee on his laptop last month. “Seriously,” began the report, “How could you have been so clumsy?”

Washington, D.C. — The Supreme Court agreed this Friday to add another case to their upcoming oral argument calendar: McKinnon v. Dwyer. This landmark case, which could lead to a deadlocked judiciary in the absence of a ninth justice, has to do with the plight of two roommates at the George Washington University, and why Dwyer won’t clean the goddamn bathroom once in awhile.

Washington, D.C. — Citing concerns that he had, “been out of the game too long,” George Washington University President, Steven Knapp revealed that he would be to return to his life as former FBI director J. Edgar Hoover following his departure from the University after spring 2017 commencement.

Former Site of Cherry Hill, N.J. — In an inadvisable ploy to convince President-Elect Trump to appoint him to the Cabinet, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie ordered his state’s Air National Guard to carpet bomb all of the Garden State south of I-195.

WASHINGTON- In a report to their investors last Tuesday, the GW Ax announced a bold new plan for news distribution.

“We call it a print newspaper and its going to change the world,” began CEO Gabe Plunkett, before ushering his chief of technological operations on stage. “We don’t know why noone has thought of it before. But it’s revolutionary.”

Originally Published: November 29, 2001
NORTH POLE - Following the indictment of numerous Arthur Andersen executives, federal prosecutors from the Securities and Exchange Commision, in conjunction with the Federal Bureau of Investigation, rushed Santa’s Merry Little Workshop with a search warrant and a tactical security force on the merry ol’ Wednesday morn’ of November 28th.

WASHINGTON — A senior Ax reporter has reported to our offices shocked and confused upon glancing over a friend’s shoulder as they are wont to do and see said friend poring over the Ax’s intricate, well-written prose on a Blackberry.