WASHINGTON- In a report to their investors last Tuesday, the GW Ax announced a bold new plan for news distribution.
“We call it a print newspaper and its going to change the world,” began CEO Gabe Plunkett, before ushering his chief of technological operations on stage. “We don’t know why noone has thought of it before. But it’s revolutionary.”
The ‘print newspaper’ will be a small piece of malleable paper with the day’s news directly produced on it using an ink system. Preliminary rumors state that it will be the ideal size for making nifty little hats.
Other inferior news organizations, like the New York Times, report booming numbers using this bold new system.
“All is well with the Times! Yessirree Bob! No problems here!” reported a shockingly sweaty and nervous Mark Thompson, CEO of the Times. “No need to audit or pull out! Nope! Print advertising is alive and well!”
In addition to this new paper medium, the GW Ax is set to begin producing video content to be distributed on Betamax tapes. The tapes will be distributed weekly through K-Mart and the Blockbuster chain of home video retail stores. Tech manager of the Ax, a Mr. Chris Sebastian, is excited about the development. He fielded questions from skeptical investors following Mr. Plunkett.
“Inter-what? Net? No, never heard of it. Look how much tape is in this thing, it uses magnets. Betamax is so cool.”
