WASHINGTON — A senior Ax reporter has reported to our offices shocked and confused upon glancing over a friend’s shoulder as they are wont to do and see said friend poring over the Ax’s intricate, well-written prose on a Blackberry.

Yes, you read that right. A Blackberry.

Our reporter initially jerked his head back in shock and awe, before gasping and managing to stammer out a feeble “w-w-where did you get that?!”

When his friend replied that he had purchased said Blackberry at a T-Mobile store a few months before, our intrepid associate went immediately to investigate. Sure enough, he discovered that the nearest T-Mobile establishment was selling hundreds of the cursed things (We think he meant that they had hundreds in the store. No way in hell they were actually selling more than a feeble hundred a year)!

A couple of weeks later, another reporter discovered an actual Blackberry store! It’s an epidemic of them! She reported back to us that, while adventuring in New York City, in the heart of Battery Park she spotted a small shop window with the word Blackberry on it, but she didn’t believe it until she walked in and saw wall-to-wall Blackberry devices. She promptly ran from the store screaming in terror, sparking stares of concern and awe from anyone who happened to notice the ostentatious display.

Sure enough, the more we investigated, the more we found the darn things cropping up in droves all over the country. And we can never go into government buildings again on account of one of our editors immediately soiling himself at the sight of all the outdated phones.

Blackberries, which we thought were extinct, are reappearing like a deadly plague on all our houses. We urge our readers to be ready with an emergency preparedness kit in case one enters your home, and an intervention plan for friends that are using one.