Former Site of Cherry Hill, N.J. — In an inadvisable ploy to convince President-Elect Trump to appoint him to the Cabinet, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie ordered his state’s Air National Guard to carpet bomb all of the Garden State south of I-195.
Sources confirm that the beleaguered Governor was inspired by an offhand remark made by the President-elect at a meeting at the Trump National Golf Course in the richest part of the state.
“Apparently Trump expressed contempt for the use of the word ‘Pork roll’ to describe the popular breakfast meat. Christie, overhearing the conversation as he polished the new TRUMP Boot collection, immediately went off on how it should be known as ‘Taylor Ham’ and that the ‘Southies’ in Cherry Hill and elsewhere don’t know what they’re thinking.”
Evidently Christie took Mr. Trump’s word as a possible method of impressing the next President, in hopes of gaining a better position than Chief Under Butler in the White House. So, he utilized what little authority he has in the small northeastern state and unleashed an attack on his own citizens.
Among Jerseyans, Christie’s actions have so far gotten mixed reviews.
“Obviously I’m fairly disappointed in the Governor,” said student Rajan Kamath, outside the smoldering rubble that once was his house in Collingswood. “I have always thought the pork roll/taylor ham nonsense was too intense before the attack, but I never expected my town to be utterly destroyed in a conventional airstrike over it.”
Others had more positive views. GW Student Anthony Sirico of Essex County responded saying:
“While I do think that Mr. Christy’s move might be edging a bit on the side of the extreme, it could prove to be an ingenious way to offer South Jersey a fresh start of sorts.”
