Originally Published: November 29, 2001
NORTH POLE - Following the indictment of numerous Arthur Andersen executives, federal prosecutors from the Securities and Exchange Commision, in conjunction with the Federal Bureau of Investigation, rushed Santa’s Merry Little Workshop with a search warrant and a tactical security force on the merry ol’ Wednesday morn’ of November 28th.

“Ho ho ho! Our books have remained legitimate and it's impossible to properly adjust the market value of a public necessity like the energy sector! Ho ho! Looks like someone is getting coal this year, you socialist shill!” Santa screamed in between bellowing laughter as a handgun was forcibly wrestled from his hands and his stunned body was dragged out of the sleigh and into an armored FBI transport.

“You have no jurisdiction in the North Pole, you fascist conquistadores! The free market relies on the trust of investors! Ho ho!”

The jolly l’il Elves were restrained, their files and documents searched. Three have been transported to a federal facility for holding. Bail has been set at seven gumdrops, a jolly wink of the eye, and $650,000.

No one is sure of what this means for Christmas this year. As all the good little gentile boys and girls eagerly await St. Nick, many fear that there is no clear replacement in the line of succession.

If the sixteenth Florida vote recount proceeds as planned, President Bush is suspected to choose the new giftmaster general. John Edwards is currently a top choice, due to his pure and untainted moral record.

“Ho ho ho! I’ll see you in hell, Sherron Watkins! Investors knew the risk when they signed on! America is going to choke to death on its own incompetent decadence! You can’t hold me down like you did Rudolph, you human garbage! Ho ho!”

Rudolph and his nose so bright remain in prison for their role in the Watergate scandal.