WASHINGTON - As a heads up, it looks like Chuck bought you a gift this year. For some reason.
No one is completely sure exactly why the small wrapped box was placed in the kitchen table of your dorm early this morning, especially given preliminary reports that the two of you haven’t talked in a month. Chief Psychologists report that it may have been a token of forgiveness after you spilled coffee on his laptop last month. “Seriously,” began the report, “How could you have been so clumsy?”
Sources say this doesn’t absolve you from reciprocating. Being the cheap son-of-a-bitch that you are, strategists within the CATO Institute recommend buying him a gift card to that place he liked. What was it? Burger shakes? Was there the word tap in there? Who knows honestly.
This recent rock in the road of your friendship is sure to be a small one in the grand scheme of the cosmos, yet it is still an incredible inconvenience. As long as Chuck doesn’t remember your birthday, sources say, you should probably be fine.
At press time, the contents of the box were reported as being ‘pretty cool, I guess’.
