In a sad triumph for pitiful hooliganism, some revolting vagabond appears to have stolen my original 1969 vinyl, Philosophy of The World, by original indie band, The Shaggs. Worse still, they’re selling this priceless (though really $300) record for next to nothing on Ebay.

I was perturbed at this development. I would rather have chosen to lose any of my earthly possessions before my Shaggs vinyl. No other album has ever contained lyrical wisdom on the level of “Who Are Parents,” combined with a tune as catchy as “My Pal Foot Foot.” The talent on this record is truly staggering, and for that I treasured this piece of grooved plastic ever since the day I acquired it.

To say I was distraught was an understatement. But upon a search on the Internets, I managed to find the very copy of my beloved album. As I had loved that vinyl so, I could note any imperfection or scratch on the cover, on Ebay. But then the gravest insult came– the album was being sold for just $10.

$10! I am and continue to be furious that this $300 record could be so totally undervalued by what is supposedly a reputable online auctioning platform. My mind fails utterly to believe that someone could be so philistine in their taste not to appreciate a musical act Frank Zappa once claimed to be “better than the Beatles”?

Hopefully my two lawsuits go through with Ebay; the first on selling stolen property, and the second on undervaluing such an incredible piece of art. In the meantime, I happen to be broke so I urge some musical appreciators out in the Interweb to buy the vinyl to return to me, but also pay the $300 price. It’s a small price to pay for greatness-you can even listen to it once before. But only once.