WASHINGTON — Seeking to avert what could very well prove to be an ecological disaster of a kind never before seen in the United States, the Environmental Protection Agency released a recently completed study and accompanying statement this morning, warning of the potential for a complete habitat collapse in the nation’s capital, should the swamp actually be drained.

The implications of this situation are dire and stand directly at odds with the completion of one of President Trump’s foremost campaign promises. The President’s response remains as yet unclear.

Though the method by which the proposed “swamp” is to be drained have to date not been announced, the EPA’s comprehensive report speculates that if the project were to be even only partially successful, many thousands of lame and obscure bureaucratic positions could be eliminated, leaving their former occupants to scrounge for economic nourishment in increasingly scanter office positions.

The report goes on to explain that, as in any other ecological collapse, all lifeforms, even the largest ones, which cannot quickly adapt will face uncertain futures.

“A drainage of the swamp could be expected to include a removal of incompetent politicians, as well as the banishment of big-money and special-interest lobbyists,” the EPA report stated. “This could result in a mass-exodus of representatives back to their home states, where they would presumably add further confusion to squabbles over state and local leadership, and possibly worst of all, a complete oversaturation of the market for political memoirs and university speaking circuits.”

Projections for Washington’s nocturnal ecology were equally dim. Well-endowed special-interest representatives could be expected to migrate to other cities, such as New York and Chicago, where corruption opportunities may prove more fruitful, putting the burden of supporting the Capital’s already only questionably lit night-life on the shoulders of the city’s broke college kids and the occasional sports fan.

While the report does paint an overall grim picture of potentially de-swamped Washington, the EPA did speculate that there could be some positive results as well.”

“There is also the possibility that, with the viability of the swamp heavily reduced, big money may be forced toward other ends, such as education, public infrastructure, and medicine,” read one portion of the study. “Though these funds will more likely find themselves stuffed in a mattress or in a bank in the Seychelles.”