MADISON, Wis. - In a stunning turn of events this week, a shooting at a local preschool left a teddy bear missing most of his stuffing after being mistaken for a grizzly bear by an overzealous substitute teacher.

At Hangory Pre-Kindergarten this Tuesday, little Cindy Simon brought Mr. Fluffykins to school for show and tell, eager to show her classmates the little bundle of joy. Her mother said it was her favorite day of the week, and she was just happy she wasn’t bringing her bra this week.

Mr. Zachary, Simon’s teacher and an avid supporter of Betsy DeVos (in her office, one can’t help but notice a large cardboard cutout of the Secretary of Education nominee), immediately grew alarmed at the sight of the bear, yelling at all the children to get behind him.

The five year old Simon understandably became distraught, incapable of understanding why no one was excited to see her friend. The teacher pulled out his Colt 9 mm handgun and pointed it at the bear with shaky hands.

Now, Madison doesn’t have laws allowing teachers to be armed, but we suppose Mr. Zachary got a little pre-emptively excited about something in the pipeline? We aren’t really sure.

The teacher fired a warning shot into a nearby desk, and then, ignoring the children’s screams, tears, and bladders emptying, put a bullet into Mr. Fluffykins’ chest.

When the police arrived, Mr. Zachary said in his statement that the bear was a threat to his students and he was simply doing as Ms. DeVos said- protecting them. This is bordering on fetish behavior man.

Simon was understandably inconsolable at the wounding of her best friend, and it took a few hours of well-placed hugs, candy, and sewing needles before a happy reunion was able to occur.