WASHINGTON - It's squash fever in Foggy Bottom, as millions of diehard fans are finding that you can’t squash the squash!

Known internationally as the favorite sport of Tuvalu and Mozambique, this New Hampshire sport has taken the Washington, DC university by storm.

The Ax’s sports correspondent was eager to find out exactly what all the fuss is about.

Known to many as tennis’ depressing looking younger brother, squash is a favorite sport of the ultra-rich and moderately-rich alike, bridging a gap between worlds that makes this racquet-based pastime a favorite of Foggy Bottom citizens.

At no time was this more apparent than last Tuesday, when the university squash team’s championship game once again filled their regular stadium with 600,000 screaming fans.

Fans sat on the edge of their seat for the duration of the six-hour blood bath, as senior Elizabeth Mitz led the team to victory. The Ax interviewed Mitz after the match.

“It's about the adrenaline, you know?” Mitz sat comfortably, exhausted from the team’s whirl-wind performance. “Blood was shed, tears were cried, lives were lost. But we’ll never forget.”

Mitz, of course, refers to the ceremonial cage match to the death, a common trope of college squash matches.

“I wasn’t sure we were gonna pull through after our opponents broke out the giant spiders - but, dammit, we did,” she explained, before starting screaming unintelligibly. “Took home the gold again! Buff and Blue!”

The American Association of Badass Squash Players is to hold a casting call this spring for any and all squash conquistadors to represent the nation at this year’s world cup in Tuvalu.