WASHINGTON - “Do not be afeared, citizens!” George Washington, America’s first president, barks upon arising from his deep slumber each night. “I am here to save the day!”
The statue, one of George Washington University’s many featuring its namesake, has come to life to apprehend criminals, unravel secrets, and administer justice throughout the Foggy Bottom area.
Some experts are attributing this bizarre trend as being the result of a mystical tablet currently on display at the university’s Textile Museum.
“So say the prophecy,” explained Dr. Mick Rickman of the university’s department of mystical tablets, “‘If it cannot be solved by the wise; So the forefather shall rise.’ He will use his wizardly, mystical powers to destroy criminals and decipher codexes anywhere within the five-block radius.”
Having somehow inherited the founding father’s infamous laser-beam eyes and bulletproof chassis, the former president has become an unstoppable mystery-solving machine.
“Obviously, we immediately opened fire to stop him and send him back to the fiery depths of hell from whence he came,” explained DC Police Officer Leonard Fariq. “But he was unwavered - he was too busy trying to discover what happened to the old man at the cove.”
“He’s not actually helping anybody,” explained deputy Police Chief Lindsay Erickson. “Every night, it’s a different conspiracy being done at a horse track or amusement park or airfield that’s been abandoned. He doesn’t know any better but to destroy.”
Just before sunrise each morning, Washington does battle with his University Square doppleganger, responsible for whatever mystery he has apparently been solving over the course of the night. He then bids a tearful goodbye to the distraught children who have accompanied him as he freezes back into lifeless rock,
The university have chosen not to heed this warning of the overabundance of George Washington statues and are going forward with their plans to install 125 more by the end of the semester.
