Hello scare-a-holics! We here at the GW Ax know the importance of a good fright this Halloween. So sit back, relax, and let your guard down for these spooktacular tales!

WASHINGTON - The beloved textile museum at the George Washington University museum closed Monday without proper warning, sending the Foggy Bottom campus spiraling into chaos in absolute pandemonium.

WASHINGTON - Terror struck on the Mount Vernon Campus this week as numerous George Washington University students reported visual assaults upon their psyches by what some have described as a “horrifically spooky” jack-o’-lantern.

Gelman Library is a treasure, a glittering brutal-esque gem among base, postmodern rocks. Yet this diamond in the rough goes unnoticed by the student body. Day in and day out, we move like ghosts from one haunting place to another, indifferent to the beauty that surrounds us.

WASHINGTON - In a stunning turn of events, the Board of Trustees at the George Washington University announced this week that the search for the university’s new president has officially come to an end.

WASHINGTON - Junior Nigel O’Flanagan found himself in quite a shock yesterday when, to his surprise, not a single one of his friends or acquaintances had any remote interest whatsoever in seeing the well-known English rock musician Elvis Costello at the Warner Theater.

WASHINGTON - Citing her shock, local girlfriend Tricia Escobar reports that her argument with her boyfriend is not even close to her original forecasts.

WASHINGTON - The dystopian hellscape that is the Foggy Bottom campus of the George Washington University has long-obeyed the totalitarian commands proclaimed through the university’s loudspeakers ever fifteen minutes, informing the students how to think and feel; the newest such message is now helpfully informing the student body that the J-Street Dining Hall once believed to be a unremarkable fixture of the campus has never actually existed.

WASHINGTON — For all the good that gradual gentrification does for urban renewal, the process is not without its humbling side-effects, a fact which has recently become all to tragically apparent to the residents of the George Washington University’s District House dorm.

RICHMOND, Va. - The best laid plans of George Washington University’s outgoing President Steven Knapp have sadly gone awry. The university’s most visible administrator made the regrettable decision of hosting a clown-themed birthday party Monday for his granddaughter Sophie, at his large estate in southern Virginia.

WASHINGTON - Stating a growing desire to keep up with youth trends, Whole Foods has introduced a brand new experimental location in Foggy Bottom. Titled “Whole Foods Eco”, CEO John Mackey hopes to start a revolution.

WASHINGTON - With Colonials Weekend fast approaching, student and local residents are gearing up for the massive influx of clueless wealthy white people into the Foggy Bottom area (more than usual, anyway).

NEW LONDON, Con. - It was a somber day when Jasmine Barker stepped off her greyhound bus and into the arms of Connecticut’s 17th most populous city. Boasting a robust population of 20,000 and miles of abandoned mills and broken windows, Ms. Barker realized she had made a mistake.

WASHINGTON- Having received several recent reports as to the existence of previously unknown dorms on the far reaches of GW’s frontier Mount Vernon Campus, the Ax sent some of its mildly intrepid reporters to investigate whether the enigmatic and ethereal entities known only as the “Hillsides” are in fact real.

WASHINGTON - Sources within IAFF 3180W, a high-level writing course dealing with the issue of Nuclear Security, report that a small encampment has arisen near the podium at the front of the class.

WASHINGTON — The morning news cycle around the nation’s capitol opened with a startling announcement today from the newly opened and much celebrated National Museum of African American History and Culture. At some point after closing time last night, the 350,000 square foot building was misplaced and has yet to be found.

MIAMI - All of us saw the devastation in Florida this week, but we’ve learned through an exclusive close-up interview with Hurricane Matthew that he was dropping by the states to search for his long lost love: the long-forgotten Hurricane Katrina.

Dear the Rival,

During this latest explosion, you stormed out of the house and you took something of ours. But you know what, how can we be surprised? You’ve never treated us right during this whole relationship. Don’t you know, Rival? Love goes both ways.

WASHINGTON–– Campus security was called into George Washington University’s Gelman Library earlier on Wednesday to handle a group of friends arguing over whether or not tomatoes taste good.

WASHINGTON — Every fall, hundreds of young men and women flock to rush events in the hopes of making connections and ultimately gaining access to one of the George Washington University’s closed communities of debauchery. These events are normally light-hearted affairs such as barbecues or other meet-and-greets, however, the brothers of ΣΠ ruffled a few feathers last night when they chose a different course.

FARMVILLE, VA- In a surprising turn of events, tonight’s Vice Presidential debate has been replaced with a Yahtzee match between Sen. Tim Kaine and Gov. Mike Pence, reports the Commission on Presidential Debates (yes, we were just as surprised as you that this is a thing).

WASHINGTON — Officers of the National Park Service were both frustrated and disgusted this morning to announce that, despite their best efforts, another one of the Capital’s many statues had yet again been befouled by some unnamed conqueror pigeon.

WASHINGTON – Senior Danielle Gomez took a position as an RA at George Washington University’s Thurston Hall for the first time this fall, excited to guide freshmen through a difficult transition into college. She was, however, appalled, just appalled to see so many students on her floor participating in underage drinking.