WASHINGTON - With Colonials Weekend fast approaching, student and local residents are gearing up for the massive influx of clueless wealthy white people into the Foggy Bottom area (more than usual, anyway).
One local resident, mom Jane Dominguez, seems to be abnormally excited for this event, as we’ve observed her putting up “Welcome GW Parents!” signs on her lawn despite the fact that she lives nowhere near Foggy Bottom and she does not have a son that goes to GW.
We aren’t sure why Dominguez likes having parents around so much (we live here and every year we liken them to a swarm of massively inconvenient insects) but she is sweetly planning on baking cookies for the guests and their children, and on inviting them to dinner, so it can’t possibly be anything overly malevolent.
This Colonials Weekend is shaping up to be an interesting one, and we’ve noticed a lot of strange happenings- not the least of which is the behavior of this eccentric yet charming woman. The mysterious lack of coverage or messaging around the University’s headline entertainment for this weekend is also cause for concern, since in the past they traditionally mine this for all it’s worth to try and squeeze every last drop they can from our wallets. Maybe they couldn’t get anyone, so they just have a bunch of cats running around a stage or something.
We caught up with Dominguez one afternoon at her Bethesda abode, and she was kind enough to make us some rather strange-tasting tea and chat.
“I love this time of year,” she said smiling. “I’ve made more friends during University Parents’ Weekends than any other time here. And yes, she wasn’t just talking about the festivities at the Foggy Bottom university. Dominguez also goes all out, attending parent’s weekends at Georgetown, Gallaudet, CUA, American, and Howard, sentimentally attached to each and every one of them.
“It’s a way of life for me. The guests that come to the city are always the nicest folks. Sure, I’ve gotten some weird looks. People have called me names, I’ve been escorted off of a few too many campuses, but it’s just so much fun!”
Well, you do you, Jane. We can’t really begrudge you if your motives are pure. All we can do is give you a piece of paper with the words “50 feet or more” written on it and call it a day.
