WASHINGTON- Having received several recent reports as to the existence of previously unknown dorms on the far reaches of GW’s frontier Mount Vernon Campus, the Ax sent some of its mildly intrepid reporters to investigate whether the enigmatic and ethereal entities known only as the “Hillsides” are in fact real.

Since the George Washington University acquired the Mt. Vernon Campus several years ago, students have reported that there are multiple dorms in addition to the well-known Somers and West Halls. The rarely-visited northern edge of the campus is the commonly-stated location. The number typically ranged between two and five, and reports strangely claim each dorm are only the size of a large house.

The majority of students on the Vern find “the Hillsides” to be an urban legend, a mythical invention of pure fantasy and imagination invented to scare freshman into signing up for housing.

“It’s just a threat to force people to fill out housing applications - do it on time, or you’ll end up in the Hillsides!” said Freshman Sam Cooperberg. “I fell for it, and in the mad scramble to complete I picked Somers as my first choice, which is why I’m trapped here,” he added as he was corralled onto the Vern Express.

However, there is a sizable number of seemingly delusional Mt. Vernon residents who claim that the Hillsides are, in fact, real, and claim to have been inside them and even met several apparent residents. However, there are wildly different theories as to the purpose of these impossible halls, of which the Ax has identified four of the most common.

• GW Juvie. Some suggest that the Hillside function as de-facto jails for juvenile delinquents with high SAT scores. The University may have made an agreement with the Justice Department that allows them to accept high-scoring felons which still technically imprisoning them in a fate worse than any maximum-security prison, as a way to satisfy its unquenchable desire for higher rankings. 
• Frat Hell. Another theory claims that the dorms are, in fact, frat houses assigned to the most disruptive greek organizations. This is supposedly done by the administration as a punishment, since no one would ever choose to go to the Vern for the sole purpose of partying (or any reason at all). Brothers of various fraternities reached by the Ax did not deny the possibility that this was the case, since they haven’t seen a trace of Delta Iota Kappa or any of its members since last year. One brother of Delta Iota Kappa said he genuinely couldn’t remember where their house is, or if it or the organization ever even existed, due to the constant haze he is under, but said it was possible that they had been exiled to the labyrinthine hellscape of the Vern. The 
• Seedy Underbelly of GW. Others have suggested the Hillsides operate as a sort of “Skid Row” for the university, the collegiate equivalent of a questionable neighborhood where one can obtain sex, illicit drugs and other contraband, or play pool. One anonymous Freshman wrote to us that she had visited the Hillside in search of some hard stuff, and was far from disappointed. “Have you seen Trainspotting? That’s what the Hillsides are like inside. Only without the Scottish accents.” 
• Ghosts. Other claim the Hillsides are dorms for the original Mt. Vernon Campus that burned to the ground in a massive fire in 1979, killing all the residents. Legend has it that the buildings can still be seen at night and students still haunt the area. This was supported by one eyewitness, who claimed that he saw two students discuss the respective merits of the late musicians David Bowie and Prince. He thought they must be ghostly apparitions, since both artists have, of course, long been forgotten, expunged into the annuls of history. The eyewitness confronted the apparitions, who confirmed his paranormal concerns. When asked why they remain on the Vern four decades after their death, they allegedly replied, “the campus is fully integrated between the natural and supernatural world anyone [...] it just made sense.”

Still, other students have even stranger ideas regarding the Hillsides, including the claim that they not only exist, but are in fact perfectly ordinary residence hall. One student came to the Ax office claiming she currently lives in a Hillside dorm, that it was a lovely place to live, and she even wishes to be an RA for the unverified residence. She was quickly carted off to Colonial Health Center, and her mental health report looks promising.

Ax reporters attempted to travel to the Mt. Vernon campus to conclude this investigation properly, but that required riding the Vex and we just weren’t feeling it.