Hello scare-a-holics! We here at the GW Ax know the importance of a good fright this Halloween. So sit back, relax, and let your guard down for these spooktacular tales!

The Legend of Darby MacHampter

Once upon a time there lived a young man named Darby MacHampter. He was a sad and lonely man and spent all day and night dreaming of one day getting married. He was so lonely that he called out to an old and wise wizard from the mountains and said “I need a wife!”. The wizard agreed to provide him one but warned that their marriage would be unholy. One day, when he least expected it, an ancient being would come to take her from him.Then, the very next day, Mr. MacHampter was greeted at his front door with a beautiful young wife!

They were so happy, Mr. and Mrs. MacHampter. Not a day went by that Darby regretted his decision and he knew that they would be together forever. But then one dark and stormy night, a rap came at the door. ‘Who could this be?’ thought Darby, afraid of what the wild old wizard had said. It came three times. Rap. Rap. Rap. Then, the door started to unlatch. Darby was terrified and clutched his blanket to his chest. Then a single boot came through the door, followed by a dark and ghastly hand. As Darby screamed he heard the figure say-

“Sir, I’m with the FBI and I’d like to talk to you about this online Ukrainian love bride thing.”


The Cursed Song of the Siren

Private Eye John Hatcher walked into his office one gray and dreary morning to find a casefile on his desk. He opened up the papers and found a note explaining that his new client had traveled to the far East collecting new and exotic songs for his collection when he stumbled upon a song so painfully beautiful, so perfect in every way, that it drove him to insanity. No song would ever come close to the pure beauty of it and he feared that he would soon take his own life in frustration. Enclosed in the file was a small cassette tape with the song on it.

Not being a superstitious man, Hatcher played the tape and found that it did indeed contain the most perfect and beautiful song he had ever heard. As the days and weeks went on, he found it was impossible to listen to any other music and soon fell into a deep state insomnia induced madness. So tortured was he that he stopped bathing or sleeping or working, instead sitting on the floor of his small apartment, writing the words to the song over and over and over again. After months of near death, a vision came to Hatcher. Clad entirely in gold and blue, it seemed to glide in from Hatcher’s open door. “Hatcher!” spoke the ghoulish being, “You are too strong a man to be seduced by the Song of the Cursed Siren! You can break free! You must!”

This was exactly what Hatchet needed to hear, He shook his head and jumped up, plunging a silver stake which he kept handy deep into the tape deck of his cassette player. But the power was too strong and, as if forced by the ghostly song, he plunged the stake deep into his own heart!

Some say, when you walk by Hatchet’s own apartment in the dead of the night, you can still hear the ghostly strains of Shaquille O’ Neal’s 1994 Shaq Diesel album echoing through the city streets.


The Ghost With Two Faces

Once long ago, in the Kingdom of Gallifell, there lived a young woman named Bertha who could talk to ghosts. Though she didn’t fully understand her power, she traveled up and down the land answering questions about dead loved ones and solving crimes. Yet she dreamed of consistency in her life and one day, at the ripe old age of fifty, she settled down.

Now the apartment she chose to live in was very nice, if sparsely furnished, but it was home to the ghost of a young woman named Karen who had died a gristly death at the hands of her fiance. Karen often warned Bertha that her outside pleasant visage was but a mask; the attack had left her changed and so she went day after day, concealing her second face. Bertha did not mind, however, as she wanted the companionship. One day, when Bertha was going to the kitchen drawer to pull out a knife, she noticed one mysteriously missing. As she turned around and saw the ghostly image of Karen, she was immediately overcome with fear! Was this the second face?! Karen drew closer and closer, hovering above the ground, as Bertha screamed at her. “Where is the knife Karen?! Where is the knife?!”

As Karen came close into her face, she leaned in and whispered…

“It's in the dishwasher that I still haven’t unloaded. Told you I was a two-face.”


The Pipe of Irman-Zuur

Once there lived an archaeologist who led an awful stressful life. He wanted nothing more than to live free from the binds of earthly peril and instead dedicate his life to his craft. One day, while exploring the caverns of an ancient Incan complex, he spied in the distance a beautifully carved pipe. When he reached to pick it up, the ghostly visage of a native appeared before him. “Be warned!” Shouted the native. “If you smoke of the pipe of Irman-Zuur you shall be granted a life free of earthly peril. But at what earthly cost?” The man disregarded the message and stole the pipe. He smoked of it and suddenly all of his earthly desires melted away.

The archaeologist used the pipe over and over again for thirty years; he wanted for nothing, desired nothing. He was one with reality and became one of the top researchers in his field. But one night he heard an explosion at the foot of his bed and there before him stood the native he had seen so many years before.

“The time has come for you to repay your debts!” Shouted the man. The petrified archaeologist meekly began.

“Are you taking me to hell? Torturing me with snakes?”

“What?” responded the native. “No, dumbass, you’ve got lung cancer.”