WASHINGTON - The dystopian hellscape that is the Foggy Bottom campus of the George Washington University has long-obeyed the totalitarian commands proclaimed through the university’s loudspeakers ever fifteen minutes, informing the students how to think and feel; the newest such message is now helpfully informing the student body that the J-Street Dining Hall once believed to be a unremarkable fixture of the campus has never actually existed.

“There never was dining at J-Street,” explains the disembodied voice. “There never was a J-Street.”

“Yes,” the student body responds in unison four times an hour. “There never was dining at J-Street. There never was a J-Street.”

“I once believed there truly was another Starbucks location in the heart of campus,” explained one student. “Now I realize the error of my ways.”

“We hear these hallowed myths of subpar Sushi, but where is the evidence?” explained Jeff Nash, the director of Food and Dining Services. “How can there be a J-Street dining hall if there is no J-Street itself? It doesn’t make sense.”

The student body of the university is renowned for its strange marching in unison and its promptness for all classes and activities.

“Well, first we just got rid of one A Capella group,” explained President Knapp. “Then we decided, let’s get rid of the next six dozen’s worth. When you take away the A Capella groups, you can take anything away. We then moved on to eliminating the 92 student theater groups.”

A group of insurgent rebel students are refusing to answer to this groupthink, and insist that the legends are true and, yes, there did in fact used to be a Wendy’s deep in the heart of campus, before any of the current student body ever attended.

“Someone needs to take a stand for peace, and love, and freedom,” said their leader, a Dorian Smith, a Sophomore in the Organizational Sciences department. “But even I must sometimes question whether or not those Pretzel Dogs I regularly enjoyed were just a fleeting fantasy, something I hoped for the sake of hope, a product of our collective imaginations so as to be able to accept our miserable existence here.”