WASHINGTON - In a stunning turn of events, the Board of Trustees at the George Washington University announced this week that the search for the university’s new president has officially come to an end.
They have named Dr. Peter Cashew, a pistachio from California as the choice to succeed Dr. Steven Knapp as the leader of our university.
Dr. Cashew achieved a bachelor’s degree in food science at the University of Almond, and went on to receive a PhD in Social Justice for Edible Peoples from the University of Phoenix. Previously he held multiple faculty positions at the University of Delaware, University of Wisconsin-Madison and Hamilton College, where he taught sociology and social justice courses in racial and edible divides in the United States.
“I think it’s a huge leap forward for the school,” said a spokesperson for the Board. “Dr. Cashew has a wonderful vision for the university and we are excited to see him move our school in the right direction.”
We reached out to Dr. Knapp to see what he thought of this development. He didn’t say much, offering us a brief shrug, saying, “Eh, he’s nice enough. I look forward to hearing his ideas.” We think he’s just ready to pass the baton, to be honest.
In an address to the administration, staff, and a couple of students who wandered in mistakenly looking for their cancelled Political Science lecture, Dr. Cashew outlined some of his plans for the school. He began by greeting the administration and staff, and articulating some of the triumphs of Knapp’s presidency over the past ten years. The highlights of these were the dismissing of most pistachio-based foods from campus dining and the distinct lack of pistachios littering the campus quads and streets.
He launched into an explanation of some of his plans. Chief among them was the removal of the rest of the campus’ many pistachios, and the instigation of fellow pistachio scholars into the faculty at the university. He also plans to institute training at Colonial Inauguration for food awareness causes, though there is some doubt that conservative student group the Young Americas Foundation will stand for that one. They certainly didn’t when it was about actual humans.
Lastly, Dr. Cashew expressed his delight at getting to work with the administration that makes us all so miserable. “The George Washington community is a vibrant one, full of bright, young students that are all gradually mistreated by this administration. I hope to alleviate student concerns and grievances with us, and to make this university a better place to live.”
We’ll see, Dr. Cashew. One can only hope.
