Dear the Rival,

During this latest explosion, you stormed out of the house and you took something of ours. But you know what, how can we be surprised? You’ve never treated us right during this whole relationship. Don’t you know, Rival? Love goes both ways.

Since the bloom of the sanguine rose which is our relationship, you’ve been picking off all the petals. What did we do to hurt you so badly? Let’s go back to the way things were; Sunday morning, a slight rain, we’re cuddled up together under a blanket that your grandmother crocheted, hot cocoa and re-watching the Indiana Jones trilogy for the fourth time (Only the first three- Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was garbage and we both agree).

However, we both know that too many tears have been shed to ever go back to such innocence. So here is the proposition- how about we just make it equal?

You may keep custody over our child- we’ll accept time on the weekends, be the cool parent. Can’t you see that not letting our child see one of their parents is detrimental to their upbringing? But it’s okay- lots of kids are forced to make the choice of a parent because one of the parents issues an ultimatum. You will not be a part of one of those families who have two Christmases- you’re better than that.

And now, I know it was last Thanksgiving, and I know you had one or five too many during the family dinner, but you took our speech, and we still have never gotten an apology. We know you were drinking, but that is not an excuse. What is done is done- and most people at our party still think that you wrote that speech (we both know who wrote it). All we want is acknowledgement, an apology. It can be private, under the radar, below common knowledge. But please- we have been through so much together- you owe us that much.

After having time to really analyze our relationship- you were never that good to us, even though we loved you for who you were. In fact, we’re happy we are finally getting divorced- this was a toxic relationship from the start. You can keep our child, and keep our speech- we just want to leave you and your immaturity. Thanks for the memories Rival, but after seeing who you really are, we’re happy to say goodbye.

So please, let the door hit you on your way out.