FARMVILLE, VA- In a surprising turn of events, tonight’s Vice Presidential debate has been replaced with a Yahtzee match between Sen. Tim Kaine and Gov. Mike Pence, reports the Commission on Presidential Debates (yes, we were just as surprised as you that this is a thing).
The hour and a half long televised block will be shortened to 45 minutes to allow for a best two-out-of-three competitive Yahtzee match. The remaining time that would have been devoted to the debate is being filled by, we guess, another episode of The Simpsons or Modern Family or something.
In the interest of saving time for viewers and maintaining some semblance of dignity in this election, the move has been made after a thorough review of what would have been a thoroughly uninteresting and generally wasteful debate.
“Honestly, we know no one watches these things unless they’re forced to,” said a spokesperson from the Commission. “The questions were about exhaustively uninteresting topics that no one cares about, like, I don’t know, the Middle East or something. Or the economy. So we made the switch.”
Presumably, the commission is trying to capitalize on the image of Tim Kaine as America’s suburban, middle class Dad, and Mike Pence as America’s weird, supposably gay suburban middle class uncle that no one wants to invite to parties.
The two campaigns are eagerly preparing to square off tonight (both have hired dice-throwing coaches for the two candidates, including New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie on the Pence team).
“[Sen. Kaine] is so excited that the change was made,” said a spokesman from the Clinton campaign. “This is a bit more his speed, anyway- he plays Yahtzee every weekend with the kids!” No one at the briefing questioned this statement, despite Kaine’s children all being adults above drinking age.
Pence’s team seemed much more relaxed than Kaine’s, and we approached a senior staffer who actually appeared to be crying.
“We’re so relieved- the governor was really not prepared for tonight. The questions were stumping him left, right, and center, and he didn’t seem to know how to answer them other than by shouting insults at all kinds of people. I’m really glad the commission changed tactics to something he can actually handle.”
If our Yahtzee games here at the Ax are anything to go by, one of these guys will be approaching death by the end of things, so we’re really looking forward tonight, as well as next week’s televised Dungeons and Dragons run with Mr. Trump and Former Secretary of State Clinton.
