WASHINGTON - Not all that glitters is gold.

This is the lesson that university sophomore Youseff Heraldi has learned this week, as he has failed once again to identify the mysterious liquid which rests upon his kitchen counter. Investigators at the GW Ax went undercover to report.

“What? That? I mean, it's just a thing.” These are the words of Justin Gamboa, also a sophomore, to whom the bottle presumably belongs. With our finest reporter under heavy disguise as a university exterminator, we pressed for answers.

“You can throw it out if you want I guess. It doesn’t really matter. Like not anymore. I guess.” Gamboa, who sources report was being “a real dick about the whole thing”, was a difficult source to crack. Despite our finest techniques, he refused to budge from his tacit permission that the bottle “wasn’t a big deal”.

But it is a big deal to some. Mr. Heraldi reports that the glittery brown liquid has been an eyesore in his otherwise tastefully decorated abode. It has distracted him from studying, Heraldi claims, and most egregiously of all been “a real turn off for women who don’t like squaller”. The cold war which has erupted over this bottle has been fought fiercely and passionately with sticky notes.

“I honestly don’t know why an exterminator would need to know what’s in the bottle,” argues Gamboa. “I mean Jesus dude, just kill the roaches and be on your way. I’ve got work to take care of.”

Perhaps the most heartbreaking story of this battle of the lazy, however, has been the fact that it was well and truly preventable. Many political analysts claim that a preemptive treaty between the two would have completely solved the issue,

But no such treaty was filed. In fact sources within RA Council claim that less than 2% of rooms file the completely necessary roommate agreements. Ironclad documents, roommate agreements are always a fantastic idea.

Perhaps this story can serve as a warning for future generations.