SALT LAKE CITY - It was a day of hefty emotion when the Christian messiah descended from on high to the sounds of trumpets. Millions have been anxiously awaiting his return, hoping that their devotion to his teachings will buy them a ticket to paradise. But it seems that the purported Son of God had other plans.

“No, this isn’t like a full time gig,” he clarified to CNN. “I’ve got other stuff to do, so the apocalypse won’t be for a little while. But I keep getting these conflicting prayers of ‘Oh Jesus be my salvation this!’ or ‘Be my Light that!’ I figured I’d nip it in the bud.

The remarkably white and Catholic man, clothed in simple robes and the Light of Divinity, gave brief advice to his gathered followers, telling them to “vote for McMullin, he basically gets it”.

This has come as a shock to all but McMullin.

“I mean I’ve always really known I was the preferred candidate. Remember that week when locusts feasted upon Secretary Clinton’s face, and then how Mr. Trump’s first born died unexpectedly in his sleep just a day later? I was totally fine that week. I actually found a quarter on the ground of my office, it was honestly a pretty good sign in my opinion.”

Some have been disheartened by this news. Phyllis Vanderblatt, a Trump supporter, is among them.

“I’ve been a devout Christian my entire life, but this is trying my faith. I mean what, does he expect me to buy a new set of bumper stickers? I mean come on, really now.”

At press time the plague of pox and boils placed upon the Cruz family have yet to show any sign of ceasing.