WASHINGTON - It was a sad day at the Georgetown Hospital when a tear-soaked Paul Ryan made the decision to put his dying political system to rest.

“The choice to allow a loved one to, uh, to rest is always a difficult one. Stronger men than you and I have struggled with it for years.” Dr. Morris Kurtzl was the primary physician in the American political ideal’s final years. Although he tried valiantly to make them comfortable, he explained that there was only so much that he could do.

“I would fluff a pillow, uh, or bring them some food from the cafeteria. Make them really relaxed. But then they’d turn on CSPAN and there goes all my hard work.”

Mr. Ryan, current Speaker of the House, has known this day was coming for his entire political career. As a child he remembered seeing footage on the television of Goldwater helping the American political system go for walks around the retirement home in which it had formerly resided. Like many Americans, Ryan was simply shocked by how long it had lasted up until this point.

“It had some great years. Raised a lot of wonderful children- Democratic France, Canada, even taught its dad England a thing or two- but all good things must end. I’m just glad that it’s in a better place now, you know?” Mr. Ryan spoke to us through thinly veiled tears. You could see the heartbreak in his face.

There was no single cause of death, explain chief medical examiners. Instead, a combination of the internet, Hitler, the apple cider lobby, and David Koch all played their part. And although all Americans will feel the sting of loss, many are optimistic that a more fascist successor might finally iron out the tax system one way or another.