WASHINGTON - The United States Department of the Treasury confirmed earlier this morning that it has, in fact, somehow lost all of the treasure that it was keeping hidden in its vault.

Police have reported that all of the treasure was not just stolen, but also replaced with chocolate coins, which could explain why it took so long for this issue to be noticed. The sudden increase in stock prices for companies producing chocolate coins that seemed so random just a few weeks ago now makes sense in the context of this crime.

“I’m certainly at a loss. I didn’t think it’d be so hard to find the culprit, there can only be so many people who order chocolate coins by the millions,” said Treasury Secretary, Jacob Lew, before going back to angrily mumbling to himself about having to go re-rent a ship to go plunder some more treasure.

The Treasury plans on turning its mandatory company retreat into a cruise, in which it will divide its resources between scuba diving for more treasures, and plundering smaller ships off the country’s southeast coastline.

Although this strategy is expected to damage relations between the United States and its trading partners, it doesn’t compare to the amount of international embarrassment that it would bring to the country should the rest of its trading partners find out that the American government will no longer be able to pay in gold.

“We think that this is the most effective way to take back our treasure. Someone has to take responsibility for the loss of this amount of treasure. Now where am I supposed to dip into when I’m short on cash?” Lew continued.