WASHINGTON - Professor Wayne Fountain, head of the Obscure Cultural References Department at The George Washington University, received a grant renewal for his now decade-long search for Stacy’s Mom.
Over the past several years, Fountain has utilized over a million dollars in university funding in order to continue one of the most crucial research projects in the modern world.
University President Dr. Steven Knapp released an official statement regarding the renewal of the professor’s research grant this morning, saying that, “As a university, Professor Wayne has done incredible things for us. He alone has helped to bring the prestige and presence of this school to a global scale.”
Over the past decade, Fountain has worked tirelessly on this research project. He has spent the first five years narrowing down all of the moms who named their kids Stacy, and the last five years doing fieldwork and observation.
“Most of my research involves the typical field work students may be taught in their run-of-the-mill prerequisites. I identify potential moms through rigorous Facebook searches, usually allowing my computer at home to run search results all day while I’m teaching. It certainly makes for a lot of late nights,” said Fountain.
Fountain works from a set of clues, but the most telling is a long-gestating report that the mysterious mother does, in fact, got it going on.
The University has had to make several other cuts in order to find the proper funding for the research. So far this year, the number of Fix-It workers that employed has been halved after it was determined that they were fixing issues too efficiently. Other big cuts have gone to the number of balloons the University provides at events, as well as the quality of trash bags in Marvin Center trash cans.
Fountain hopes that the researched project will be completed by the end of the millennium, and maintains his steadfast belief that his work may be done faster if the University had been able to put aside the money for an intern or two in his budget.
