Green Bay, WI―At home with his family on Monday, one spectacularly misinformed student told relatives, “I feel good about that econ final.” This announcement, though completely unfounded was met warmly from all assembled, with one uncle, alleged to be a Wall Street banker, going so far as to jokingly offer a position to his sadly optimistic nephew.

We all know that the holidays can be a stressful time for those of us who’ve stretched our budgets a bit thin. Luckily, the GW Ax has got you covered! We scoured the city and disappointed our mothers to find the best gifts you can give this Christmas without spending a dime (over your $64,000 a year investment)!

NEW YORK — “Bwahahaha!” The Red Skull shrieked at the crowd. “You’ve all fallen victim to another of my hideous schemes!”

WASHINGTON — In a stunning upset, the George Washington University’s men’s basketball team has in fact defeated a ragtag team of Looney Tunes and NBA guest stars 73 to 68.

Are your grades falling short this semester? Do you have to somehow convince your family that you aren’t a deadbeat and that you actually have a future that doesn’t involve living in their basement? Fear not! Here’s the GW Ax’s top tips for explaining your crappy semester to your family when you’re at home for the holidays.

WASHINGTON — A student at the George Washington University saw their entire life occur before them whilst trying to purchase a package of Fig Newtons on Wednesday.

WASHINGTON — Citing the precedence of Van Buren’s massively influential protocol to “Keep the Waltz safe, just, and chaste!”, as well as the Supreme Court’s landmark case Travis Barker v. The United States Marine Corp, Obama has sworn to increase the military budget two-fold in the defense of pop punk.

WASHINGTON - Steven Lerman, having lived on the Mount Vernon campus as the Provost of George Washington University for the better half of a decade, is going to finally achieve his greatest ambition in the world, seating couples and recommending wines at the TGI Friday’s location located on the Foggy Bottom campus.

The Campaign Trail—For months now Americans have marveled at the apparent human personification of calm serenity which is Republican candidate Benjamin Solomon Carson, Sr. Indeed, the man has helped liberals and conservatives to find common ground in wondering exactly what it would be like if Mr. Carson did fly off the handle. Well, the answer is in.

Last night while at a campaign rally in the gymnasium of an undisclosed public high school, the former neurosurgeon finally succumbed to the pressure of not one or two, but three agitated and possibly intoxicated hecklers. According to eye-witnesses, Carson tried at first to laugh them off, but when several bright smiles and light one-liners failed to bring them into line, the situation took a much darker turn.

Reporters from the GW Ax were told that Mr. Carson began to quiver before starting to speak in tongues with a voice that one eyewitness said seemed to, “rattle out of the depths of the sea”.

After several minutes of this crowd began to become concerned and sent Fr. Josef Pilsudski, a Catholic priest and registered EMT, to the aid of the GOP candidate at which point Carson let out a low groan as shapeless and otherworldly entity emerged from from his mouth.

“It was just like in A Haunting in Connecticut,” Joel Patel told the Ax, “The Haunting in Connecticut ghost was trying to hide in Ben Carson!”

Mr. Carson reportedly appeared somewhat dazed and confused following the incident but, ever the trooper, fielded several questions from the audience, closed with a gentle and grandfatherly smile, and descended from the stage amidst a standing ovation which lasted no less than twelve consecutive minutes.

“In my forty-seven years with the church I’ve never seen anything like it,” Pilsudski told Ax reporters, “He handled it all with a remarkable grace and I just pray his PR people can handle the situation.”

At press time the Ax’s request for comment from Carson’s campaign manager had gone unanswered and no other news outlets had covered the story, which speaks not only to the quality of the Carson 2016 public relations department, but also the GW Ax and it’s unique ability to bring you the breaking stories other new outlets don’t.

WASHINGTON — After a series of positive rallies around metropolitan Washington, GW’s local chapter of Students for Rand met with an unfortunate and abrupt end for the foreseeable future.

A shipment of new posters, buttons, and other campaign based accouterments arrived Monday for the organization, to be dispersed among students in use for campaigning with the Kentucky doctor and politician. Unfortunately, a small typo compelled students not to ‘Defeat the Washington Machine’, but rather ‘Defeat the Washing Machine’.

The result? Laundry rooms across campus have been shut down this weekend, as fervent supporters of the libertarian leaning Republican have done all in their power to beat, batter, and dismember washing machines across campus. The University Police Department has issued a ban on all clothes-washing related activities, a request which is unfortunately not having quite the impact some students would hope.

“I really can’t blame them,” began Kristoff Crosby, a vocal member of GW’s local chapter of Students for Bernie. “I probably would have done the same thing in their place. I mean washing machines suck, and honestly I’m just glad someone has voiced it.”

Rand Paul’s campaign has been apologetic. The Ax reached out to a representative after the incident occured.

“The typist responsible has been fired, rest assured. Senator Paul would like to make it clear that he has no issues with washing machines, dryers, vacuum cleaners, or toasters.”

Students for Rand has been apologetic and has offered to reimburse the University for the cost of the damaged washing machines. A prominent member, who would prefer to remain anonymous, seemed remorseful, although (s)he claimed that the opportunity to finally “beat the shit out of those goddammed overpriced pieces of crap” was appreciated.

When pressed for the young Senator’s opinions on toaster ovens, his campaign refused to comment.

Here at The GW Ax, we believe it's important to give due diligence to important events in all religions. And so, in keeping with the theme of Hanukkah, here's eight people you shouldn’t murder during the Festival of Lights.

1. David Duchovny
2. Fmr. Sen. John Edwards
3. Lorna Luft
4. Brian Boitano
5. Adam Richman
6. Paul Thomas Anderson
7. The Edge
8. Philip Baker Hall

Happy Hanukkah!

OUTER SPACE - There have now been two more reported deaths from a new species of Space-Lynx loose on the International Space Station.

American Astronauts have been running around for weeks with large slabs of rehydrated freeze-dried meat, calling out, “here kitty kitty kitty.”

NASA commented, “We wish it was a Space-Ocelot, that would easier to deal with. Maybe even a Space-Bobcat. It could be a Space-Lion, a Space-Leopard, Space-Panther, Space-Jaguar, Space-Puma, or even a Space-Cougar. But it’s not, it’s a damn Space-Lynx.”

With the two recent slaughters, the Space-Lynx has claimed the lives of 6 astronauts and three world leaders. Updates will be coming soon.

Howard Stern is many things- comedian, libertarian, talent judge, the list goes on. But The Ax has a question for you: can you tell the difference between this legendary radio host and a stalk of everybody’s favorite tree-shaped vegetable? Take our quiz and check your answers below!

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WASHINGTON - Booed off the stage, George Washington University’s Dean of Student Affairs Peter Konwerski was forced to cut his speech short after a hostile reaction to the long-anticipated revelation of his distaste for Mr. T’s famous character in the hit television program The A-Team.

“I’ve always been a big fan of Faceman, really,” he said, welling up. “I really like Dirk Benedict, okay? He just fits that role so perfectly.”

The crowd began hurling produce and shoes at the dean, as he tried to conclude his prepared statement.

“Mr. T is an immensely talented actor, there is no arguing this,” he foolishly tried to quell the crowd. “I’d say Rocky III is easily the best Rocky film.”

The crowd grew even more riled at this point, collectively shouting that it is in fact the second Rocky film that most compellingly portrays the human condition.

“I’ll be totally honest - he’s not even my second favorite, though,” he mistakenly continued, the crowd enraged. “Hannibal Smith is a classic television hero, after all.”

“I love it when a plan comes together,” he vainly tried to impress. “No?”

He then curled up in a ball, and started loudly bawling.

Konwerski was the final member of the university administration to reveal his A-Team preferences, and he is expected to step down following this announcement shortly.

After gorging yourself at Thanksgiving (don’t pretend like you didn’t), many of you will be making early new-years resolutions. One of which could easily be, “I’m gonna start going to the gym.” No you’re not.

Just like after every break, the first week or two afterwards, the gym will be packed. But then, as it always does, the faint of heart will stop lying to themselves and go back to luxurious stagnation. You won’t become fat, no, just stop pretending you’re willing to put in the work to get in-shape.

This process stems from America’s demanding culture. We all want to get in shape- be our best and all. However, we as Americans, now hate working too hard, and will be very content staying with our current selves. Is that a bad thing? Hell no! We’re Americans! I’d take being an average American over being an Average-any-other country-person any day.

Would you rather be average in Syria? Ha. Good luck with that one. Would you rather be average in Europe? Ha. Get ready to give away 60% of your paycheck. Would you rather be average in China? Ha. I’m sure communism just takes some getting used to. Would you rather be average in Australia? Ha. They’ll take your guns, and what’s freedom without firearms?

So yeah, stop lying to yourself. You’re not going to start going to the gym. But who gives a shit? You’re an American. You don’t have to.

WASHINGTON - On his way out of his home slightly late to work Monday morning, departing Provost Steven Lerman waved hello to the paper boy and made his way across his yard. Suddenly, a walkie-talkie came hurling out of the sky and landed at his feet. Picking it up, the voice at the other end warned him of forthcoming destruction.

Scarves deserve a shout-out. They’re the unsung heroes of winter. Are you afraid of your fragile neck getting cold? Look no further than to your friendly neighborhood scarf. It’ll put your neck in a full Nelson of wool, fabric, or cloth and that neck is going to be extra cozy. Want some more analogies? Sure thing.

WASHINGTON - After a long period of struggle, the Jewish students of New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut will finally be accepted onto campus at The George Washington University.

President Knapp made an announcement at a press briefing Thursday evening.

“Our campus has always lacked the special something that the chosen people offer,” he explained. “5,000 years of beautiful tradition, and we’re glad to be a part of it.”

The school, to this point a haven of diversity for students the entire country over, will begin phasing in the newly qualifying students so as to provide them a better chance at success in the working world.

The students are being admitted primarily on account of their snarky, neurotic senses of humor, and talking like they are literally doing a monologue in a Woody Allen film at all times with no genuine human connections allowed at any point whatsoever.

In an effort to make these students feel more welcome, the administration is even considering allowing three separate sukkahs to be constructed during next year's classical celebration of the harvest season.

The University will also begin launching numerous student organizations to support the deluge of as-yet unconnected students.

“They just won’t feel like they’re at home,” a representative from Student Affairs commented. “So we’ll offer them some brisket, some rugelach, some lox on an everything with cream cheese, whatever can make them feel like they’re at home.”

“God knows the University will be different with these new students, I just hope they’ll be able to fit in.”

SYRIA - ISIS representatives announced over Twitter this week that they expect to open a new HR department to streamline and improve their recruitment process.

Subsequent tweets outlined the plan in greater detail. ISIS members expressed a desire to gain more qualified candidates for membership in the terror organization, and announced that they would be reviewing resumes before accepting a candidate for an interview with representatives of the new department.

“We want to build a greater name for this organization, and the way to do that is to get organized,” one tweet read.

In addition to a more thorough candidate review process, the new department will roll out greater benefits for candidates that are offered a position. A file posted to Twitter this morning outlined a plan to offer stable 401K and retirement plans, as well as substantial life insurance policies, since most members will likely be dead within a year.

Health insurance will also be offered to new ISIS recruits, as part of an effort to ensure that their fighters survive more than one mission. The packages are substantial, and vastly preferable to health insurance plans at most American places of employment.

“We hope to build ourselves as a legitimate organization by following the model of a more traditional business. ISIS wants to take care of our fighters, and ensure we have qualified candidates willing to work for us,” tweets from their account read.

WASHINGTON ―The holidays are a time of giddy wishes and free-spending for all of us. Even so, things can get a little out of hand from time to time, as they did for Jarred Oleman, head of the Office of Student Financial Assistance at the George Washington University.

Oleman confirmed yesterday that he had indeed spent the entirety of the 2016 financial aid endowment on a collection of enormous balloons which have appeared over the decades in Macy’s traditional Thanksgiving Day Parade.

“It was a moment of weakness,” Oleman said in a prepared statement at a press conference yesterday. “I was wrapped up in the mood of the day and when I saw them floating down 38th street toward my television screen, I had to have them!”

The balloons were purchased from an anonymous online dealer known only by the mysterious pseudonym macysman71. Among the lot purchased are such iconic favorites as the Pop-Eye balloon, which made its debut in 1961, as well as last year’s favorite, SpongeBob with a Santa Claus hat, and the Monopoly Man balloon which famously struck down a street lamp in 2010.

University President Steven Knapp was quick to condemn the squandering of institutional funds, though unnamed sources from the inside have told the GW Ax that the president allegedly admitted he hoped this debacle would draw attention away from his own questionable investment, the Textile Museum.

With the loss of financial aid resources, the Office of Student Financial Assistance estimates that university attendance will need to be cut in half by next semester.

As outrage mounted across campus, and indeed across the country and the world, Oleman revealed that there is a glimmer of hope for the student body.

“There is a thirty day return period,” Oleman told reporters and a mob of enraged students from behind a sheet of bulletproof glass, “we can put this all right yet!”

While returning the balloons and retrieving 2016 endowment would, of course, be the more tactful solution to this crisis, certain more financially minded elements within the university advise a different approach.

“This could be a great opportunity for us as an institution,” said economics professor and part-time robber-baron James Kulick. “By putting the balloons back on the market a few at a time, the university could stand to make a considerable profit.”

The Ax had sought but not received comment from the seller, and it is rumored that the administration was weighing the options of Kulick’s proposal.