Are your grades falling short this semester? Do you have to somehow convince your family that you aren’t a deadbeat and that you actually have a future that doesn’t involve living in their basement? Fear not! Here’s the GW Ax’s top tips for explaining your crappy semester to your family when you’re at home for the holidays.

1. Cocaine
2. Obama, as ever
3. Busy fixing the ozone layer (and still have work to do on that)
4. Became massively obsessed with learning to tap dance
5. Were the intended target of numerous leftist character assassinations
6. C’s get degrees, right?
7. Relinquished your academic responsibilities in pursuit of your magnum opus
8. Spent semester preoccupied by concern that GW Admissions might be racist
9. Never return home