WASHINGTON - After a long period of struggle, the Jewish students of New York, New Jersey, and Connecticut will finally be accepted onto campus at The George Washington University.

President Knapp made an announcement at a press briefing Thursday evening.

“Our campus has always lacked the special something that the chosen people offer,” he explained. “5,000 years of beautiful tradition, and we’re glad to be a part of it.”

The school, to this point a haven of diversity for students the entire country over, will begin phasing in the newly qualifying students so as to provide them a better chance at success in the working world.

The students are being admitted primarily on account of their snarky, neurotic senses of humor, and talking like they are literally doing a monologue in a Woody Allen film at all times with no genuine human connections allowed at any point whatsoever.

In an effort to make these students feel more welcome, the administration is even considering allowing three separate sukkahs to be constructed during next year's classical celebration of the harvest season.

The University will also begin launching numerous student organizations to support the deluge of as-yet unconnected students.

“They just won’t feel like they’re at home,” a representative from Student Affairs commented. “So we’ll offer them some brisket, some rugelach, some lox on an everything with cream cheese, whatever can make them feel like they’re at home.”

“God knows the University will be different with these new students, I just hope they’ll be able to fit in.”